by Valentine Logar

Created on: November 23, 2008   Last Updated: October 12, 2009

Thunk, clang, snick.

The first gate made those sounds as it closed behind me. I admit my heart stopped for just a brief second. Then I showed my wrist to the guard behind the glass and the second set of gates slid open in front of me, those sounds coming backwards; snick, clang, thunk. With that, I took my first steps into Fort Worth Federal Corrections Institute (FCI) a low security prison. Later I would enter others, both State and Federal. Later I would enter prisons with higher security even, but that first time my heart stopped for just a brief second.

The guard with me as I walked through the second set of gates must have known that my nerves frayed and my breath stopped in my throat, he let me pause to take in my surroundings without a word. My feet wouldn't move as the gate behind me closed with that ominous sound; thunk, clang, snick. I admit I wanted to turn and beg them to let me back out, to run away. We stopped and looked at the yard we had to cross and he pointed toward where we would be going. To me it seemed like a forever walk but it wasn't it was just halfway across the yard. A yard filled with convicted prisoners, violent and non-violent offenders who were sitting and standing watching us walk along the path. Just one guard and I walking the perimeter of the yard to the meeting space, another first.

I should at this point digress and explain what I was doing at the Fort Worth FCI. In Texas, we have a program called Victim Impact. This program has many different functions one of which is the prison-teaching program. The Victim Impact program in prisons is a voluntary program that offenders can participate in, it is six weeks in length, and the final week includes speakers who have been victims of crime. One of the things I really like about this program is that although it is voluntary those who are allowed to participate are also selected by the program director of each of the institutions; it is not automatic that a person would be allowed to participate. There is also no "credit" given to an inmate for participation, meaning their prison jacket doesn't get a "gold star" when they come up for parole.

I am a first person victim of violent crime. I am told that my storytelling is compelling; I suspect this wasn't true that first time. I am one of the few first person victims of violent crime who go behind the walls in the program. Many first person victims simply can't do so, it is too hard to do, too hard too stand before this type of audience

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