by Koren Allen

Created on: November 23, 2008

Do we really want our children to be like ourselves? I have a teenager who, despite my best intentions, turned out very much like me. He has many of the qualities I wanted him to inherit: he works hard, he's intellgent, he never gives up, and he's open for all the possibilities this world has to offer him. He also inherited the things I don't like about me: he's moody, stubborn, blunt, a bit argumentative and bright enough to be very good at defending his point, whether or not it is correct. Two of us in the same household makes for lively and good-natured debate on the good days, but a verbal mine-field when one or both of us have a cranky day.

When people look at their children and see "mini-me," they are not imaging a true mirror image of themselves. They might be thinking of the major markers in life, like a college education, a high-paying job, a stable marriage, strong religious ties. But if most parents are honest, we don't really want the next generation to be just like us. We want the "new and improved" version - we want them to have all of our good characteristics and none of the bad. Whether we like it or not, we teach good and bad, with a healthy dose of unintended lessons tossed in.

That's where the disappointment comes in for a lot of parents, but it doesn't have to. There are certainly guidelines that we all have for our children's behavior, and good parenting requires you to be very clear about what you expect of your children. But ultimately they are going to develop their own personality and character anyway, it's just a matter of time.

In fact, your kids must put your values to the test before they decide to adopt or reject them. That is what teenage rebellion is all about - trying on new personas until they find the one that fits. And just like shopping at the mall, your idea of "fit" and his idea of "fit" may be worlds apart.

Giving your child the freedom to be different than you may be one of the most valuable gifts you can give. If he is allowed to explore different facets of his personality while he is still under your care and protection, he may be less likely to fall into the "preacher's kid" phenomenon of going wild once he is out from under your thumb.

That being said, there is some comfort in knowing that, eventually, once we get into our third or fourth decade of life, most of us do, in fact, become just like our parents. Whether we like it or not.

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