by Kathryn LaVon Davis

Created on: November 23, 2008   Last Updated: July 27, 2010

I say "I love you" to my littlest boy when I put him to bed each night, and I hug him and tickle him. This is unconditional love, when the kissing of his cheek is like the breathing in of some vital nutrient. And for my oldest who wants kisses, butterfly kisses, Eskimo kisses, head hugs, chin hugs and everything else he can think of hugs, and who begs for endless tickles. It is a tradition that we never tire of, even at our most tired.

I say "I love you" to my best friend only on occasion. Generally we'll be talking of something intense and deep and feel such gratification to have a friend that we can have this type of discussion with, someone who thinks just like we do, the best support possible, and we say "I love you." We don't even have to clarify "not in the gay way" anymore.

I say "I love you" to the air because there is no man there to say it to. He hears me, wherever he is, and I can feel his "I love you" to me. Because I can feel him, I choose to know he is saying these words, with his heart. It isn't very often that I have the feeling, but it is never too much.

I teach my children that love given is the best love, love begged for comes with a price and love received is a true gift to cherish. I teach my children to say it only when they feel it, to kiss only when they feel it and to hug only when they feel it. I respect when they withhold their "I love yous" and their kisses and hugs and I know that these are defining moments, that these little beings are forming boundaries, and separating needs from neediness and holding some love to share elsewhere, not to be too dependant, nor too depended upon.

Can it be said too much? Never when it's right. Never when it's real. Can it be said too little? There is the real question. In our world of touch, we've learned that saying "I love you" might be performed by carrying the two rolls of Christmas wrap in for Mom, without even being asked, by just noticing that it will take another trip otherwise. It can be the washing of the favorite shirt so that it is ready to be worn again two days later, or it can be the sharing of a special story, something that touched a heart and changed a life, and the sharing of the change is the giving of love.

Love is never said too much, unless it is said in word and not action. In my world and in the world of my children, we say it when it comes upon us, with words or without and it is never too much or too little.

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