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Gift Ideas For Malcontents

When you care enough to give something far more twisted than socks or candy

Sure you've got your Gap sweaters and porcelain monkey bookends and Jam-of-the-Month Clubs.

And you can always give a charitable donation in someone else's name, a touching and worthwhile sentiment which can be a bit awkward to be on the receiving end of, as in, "You gave the Endangered Peruvian Ferret Relief Fund 50 bucks in my name? Oh. How wonderful. Thank you. I really could've used a toaster oven though. Oh well."

But why gorge on gizmos and tea cozies and boxed sets of J.Lo's worst movies when you can expand your horizons just a little and give something to really make someone smile? Or cringe? Or moan? Things that might not actually exist, but should.

Things to annoy the religious Right. Things to make you shake your head and sigh at the absurdity of it all and then lighten up and take a bath and forget about brutality and death and bombs and Dick Cheney for awhile. Things like:

- Transparent luggage. I have no idea why no one has thought of this before. Think of the time you'd save at the airport. Think of the hassle-free carry-on radar scan. Think of all the compliments on your shirt selection and the gaping stares as people notice your miniature doll collection and that special illegal gift you bought for your cousin in Turkey. Transparent luggage. Made of Lucite or something. After all, why hide anything anymore? They'll find it anyway. Chances are, they already have.

- While in the airport vein, why not give the gift that really screams "Cavity search!" Something that will help speed you right though the search line. Something like easy-access Velcro clothing, maybe some tear-away pants or a yank-it-off bra, because there's nothing more embarrassing than stripping down in front of underpaid jaded eye-glazed government security personnel and having your underwear snag on your belt. Don't you hate just that?

- What flag-waving GOP senator on your list wouldn't love a special, US-centric, military-grade, strategic electronic globe of the world? See how the US looms extra-large over everything else, flashing lights and tiny explosions erupting almost continuously all over the planet in the various countries the US has bombed or is bombing or will help someone else bomb or will themselves bomb in the very near future, probably? So educational. Remember those cool diving-missile sound effects in Electronic Battleship? It'll be just like that. Pssseeeewwwrrr...boom!

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