by kieryn graham

Created on: November 22, 2008   Last Updated: February 28, 2011

Congratulations, Miss America, on your acquisition of a new male mind. With proper care and service, your new XY system will deliver years of reliable service and may become a source of constant joy and satisfaction. Please, take some time to review this operator's manual before using your new male mind for the first time.

[WARNING: Do not open the factory-sealed control module located at the system's mid-section just below the joystick. The module contains no user-serviceable parts.]

It's a simple binary system.

CAUTION: The male mind really is just as simple as it seems. You, gifted with two "X" chromosomes instead of an "X" and a "Y," easily can over-think, over-analyze, and over-plan the system's operation.

Basic operation: The system is "on" or it's "off"; the system is hungry, or it is fed; the "critical equipment" is up, or it is down; a situation is black, or it is white, and it is good, or it is bad, and it is attractive, or it is repulsive. A machine requires a hammer and duct tape, or it requires replacement.

The male mind categorizes new information in the same simple, binary way. As you program your male system, store files in the "good" or the "bad" folders. Do not create a "might be okay" folder, because it will cause the system to malfunction and may cause permanent damage. For example, the "talking about the ex file" goes in "bad," and you should password protect it. Similarly, store the "his mother file," the "I like porn file," and the "I love my couch file" in "bad"; quarantine that information if you can. Save the "always bring me a gift file" to "GOOD," and try to program it into the start-up menu, so that immediately upon waking your male will begin searching for today's proper trinket.

Still evolving from its feral state, the male mind remains highly attuned to the "fight-or-flight" reflex. Perceiving trap, threat, or coercion, the system will overheat, and you probably will experience static, indecipherable interference, and unfixable system slowing. In extreme situations, the male mind will redirect your inquiries into outer space, shutting down completely, sometimes going for factory maintenance known in the jargon as "hanging out with my boys." You can, however, permanently secure your system with good peripherals: if you think of yourself not as the system's "user" but as its "playmate," you will discover that you can adapt your male brain to almost any situation. For example, if you experience extreme static from your "Big Game

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