by Ann Marie Dwyer

Created on: November 22, 2008

As a parent, you cannot make all of the decisions for your child. To do so would render your child incapable of sustaining himself in later life. Learning the parental art of giving children choices will influence how your child makes life decisions in the future.

Ruling with an iron fist has never worked in the political, military or parenting arena. Instead of telling your child, "You will eat all of those peas," you are better asking, "Would you rather have peas or beets?" What is the difference? They are still going to eat peas. Giving a child the choice lets them build self-esteem, teaches bad choices have consequences and engenders trust.

It's a matter of trust.

First, children understand when they get to choose, it is a form of trust. You trust their judgment enough to give them options. The parental edge is to craft the choices so that the child cannot make a bad decision, but can still make one that will not be as pleasant as the child would have hoped. In the example, the child who hates peas chooses beets, only to discover that beets are not any better than peas. Next time he will choose peas, but he still ate a balanced meal.

Give empowerment.

Second, children feel empowered by decision. This control over their lives extents the trust. Self-confidence is learned by being allowed to choose for oneself. For instance, the child who picked beets finds out that beets are fantastic! No more peas for her. She is confident that in the future she will be able to make good decisions.

Quash revolution.

Lastly, commanding a child to do anything will lead to resentment and rebellion. Countless parents of pregnant teens, delinquent children and adults who lack any initiative to be responsible for themselves will attest to their parenting failure by forbidding their children certain actions. This goes all the way back to the story of Adam and Eve. The one thing they should not have touched, they did.

By giving a child a command, you are in essence throwing down the gauntlet. You have given them a choice that has no benefit. Do as you say, or do the opposite. Generally, your command is safe, where the opposite is just that: opposite.

In the end, giving a child a choice is better than giving a command. The benefits of choice are self-confidence and trust. As the choices become more complex, so do the benefits. Good life choices make for happy lives, a benefit of incomparable value.

Learn more about this author, Ann Marie Dwyer.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.