by Amy Gio

Created on: November 22, 2008   Last Updated: February 02, 2009

Venting vs. Bashing

I am in the process of a messy divorce. I was with my soon to be ex for 20 years, and married for 14 years. I have 2 wonderful kids an 11 year old girl and a 6 year old son. Needless to say there have been many bad days since the decline in my marriage a few years ago. I don't bash my ex to my kids. My kids are well aware of the faults of their father. But it is okay to discuss with your kids why you are upset and the inappropriate behaviors by my ex, that got me upset. My ex and I have demonstrated some very unhealthy patterns of relationships over the years of raising the children. I see my input/venting as a way for my kids to understand that mom and dad didn't do things the correct way and that our marriage is not the way a marriage should be.

I don't want my kids to replicate the same mistakes and behaviors in their future relationships. By not letting the kids know the types of behaviors that are unacceptable, they will never understand how things in a marriage can go so wrong. I know this may sound strange, but I look at it as damage control. The kids have learned that no one is perfect, that expressing anger and feeling anger is okay. They are also learning that like another writer said, "we are human". So when their father does something stupid, like letting the 6 year old watch "Anchorman" or "Talladega Nights" you can rest assure that my ex as well as the children are going to know that the decision their father made was wrong and why it was wrong.

I don't bad mouth their dad. I do however, encourage open communication for myself and my kids to learn about right and wrong, and forming healthy, high functioning relationships. My kids never feel caught in the middle, or like I am attacking their dad for no good reason. I am not petty, and bitter, and I do point out on a regular basis all of the good qualities their dad possesses. But for me it's most important for the kids to see the reality of relationships. The last thing I want is for my son to act like is dad, and speak down to or demean his wife or girlfriend. By me venting I am teaching the kids this behavior is wrong, and that although I took his mistreatment and did nothing about it for a long time, they should never treat someone that way, nor should they take that kind of behavior from some else.

As parents we want the best for our kids. We want them to have happy, wonderful, fulfilling lives. We also want them to be good people with the ability to express all emotions safely and in an appropriate nature. All to often in today's world this doesn't happen. People are in therapy and depressed from not expressing emotions in a healthy way. My way may not be the best but it works for my family.

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