by Ashley McErlean

Created on: November 22, 2008   Last Updated: October 13, 2010

My advice is for every parent who may someday be confronted with the harsh fact that their child has been molested. I was the victim of molestation when I was 5 years old, and was raped as a teenager. I never told my parents. The experiences, as well as the fact that I never told, determined the course of my life. Through therapy, I now know what my parents could have done from the beginning to make me comfortable with telling them what happened. There was no lack of love, and I know they would have believed me - that wasn't the issue.

My molester was my father's best friend's son. When it happened, I knew it felt wrong, but I wasn't sure exactly WHY it was wrong. He told me if I loved him, I would do what he wanted. I knew I was supposed to love him, because we were "cousins". After it happened, I came so close to telling my parents many, many times, but something always stopped me. As an adult, when I finally confronted what happened, I realized why I couldn't get the words out.

My father was - IS - an alcoholic. From a very early age, I learned not to say or do anything that would upset him. When he was sober, he was very understanding, a model dad. When he got drunk, though, his emotions would get the best of him. Even at 5 years old, I was afraid of what he might do or how he might feel if he knew what happened. I wasn't worried that he would be angry with me - I was worried that he would be angry with himself, or angry with his best friend. I loved my father too much to do that to him. And I had taken on the role of caretaker, putting his feelings before my own well-being.

So why didn't I tell my mother? Well, my mom is the strongest woman I know. She is self-sufficient, unemotional and very tough. She instilled in me that anything you can work through by yourself, you should. "If it's not bleeding or broken, it's no big deal," she'd say. So what would she think about something that only hurt on the inside? In the black-and-white world of a 5-year-old, that question was too scary to confront.

Keeping things inside became a habit. When I was raped in high school, it was almost no big deal to just keep my mouth shut. i didn't tell anyone, because by that time I had trained myself not to upset other people with my problems. They had their own problems to deal with.

If I could go back to before it happened, I would tell my parents to do two things differently. First, I would tell my dad to get his act together. Being dependent on alcohol made him dependent

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