by David B Hitchcock

Created on: November 21, 2008   Last Updated: January 28, 2009

People normally want to buy a child's affection for a number of reasons, such as being away at work all the time, as (false) validation they are a good parent, or in a divorce to encourage the child to choose sides. None of these are good reasons to buy children expensive gifts.

The children of parents who want to buy their affection often have symptoms that are a result of the parent's behavior. These can be an over eager child always wanting to spend time with the parent who is never around, to a manipulative child who sees the only value in parents as a means to get more "stuff". These underlying behaviors are what need to be addressed, and throwing any old expensive present at the child won't do it.

It's not always a bad idea to give a child a one-time-only big present. The problem is the temptation to follow that up with another gift. The momentary elation on a child's face when they get the "it" gift that will make their friends jealous can be addictive for a parent. But if you stay around and watch, that elation will quickly turn to boredom and the present will be discarded or maybe even become the subject of fights with friends or siblings. If that happens, it could be a complete backfire - children will blame the parent for the troublesome present, especially children who didn't get the "big" present.

In nearly all cases, children crave attention from anyone but especially from parents, and they will value that above anything else. I've seen children get the biggest electronic toys at Christmas, only to turn around and play a toddler's board game because the parents were playing it with another sibling. It's the classic picture of a young child playing with the box the big present came in instead of the present itself. On seeing that, the parent feels depressed at first their gift wasn't a bigger hit, but after watching the fun their child has with the box how can you be sad?

A better solution would be for the parent who is never home to make the time when they are home special, and set aside a time for each of their children (and spouse!) for just the two of them to do something fun. This could be going to the zoo, going to a sports event, or even just staying home and trying to bake some cookies! Children value the time as much or more than the activity. This means no cell phone, no checking email, and no looking at your watch.

Children are smart. They are way smarter than most people give them credit for. If you try to buy your children's affection, they will see through it and it will only make matters worse.

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