by Patricia Rainford

Created on: November 21, 2008   Last Updated: November 22, 2008

Here I was, this well rounded woman, with clear life goals, in love, married, happy. We talked about everything. We were very close. We were best friends.

Then came a day when I realized he was distant. It had been about a week when I realized that he wasn't talking to me, chatting like we usually did. When I asked him what was wrong, he'd simply say nothing. I guess I knew then that something was wrong but cheating wasn't the first thing on my mind. Knowing his internal struggles led me to believe that perhaps his distance was related to him turning 30, having a crisis of some sorts within himself.

I tried to let it pass, being as sympathetic as I could be, wishing I could help him through his time of turmoil. After giving him some distance for about a month, I finally decided to sit down and talk things out with him. I was right about his crisis, or so I thought. He stated that he just thought he'd be more than he was by the time he turned 30. He wanted more out of life then what we had. He wanted to move to a larger city with more possibilities than what our current place had to offer. Plus, he wanted to emphasize that he was uncomfortable with our ongoing struggle to conceive a baby. He had made the decision that he didn't want children anymore. We needed to separate for awhile, he said, so he could sort things out. So off he went to stay at his brother's house, leaving me in a house by myself. Very quiet. All alone.

The whole next week was a struggle to get through each day. I'd go to work, heavily distracted, an emotional wreck. I tried finding comfort in my family, but after telling them what happened, it was like that was all there was to it. I'd watch them laugh and go on with their lives and I would know then that they couldn't possibly understand what I was going through. So I'd leave and end up staring at the television in my quiet house, go for long walks in the rain to the point that I became ill, and stayed utterly closed up within myself.

My spirits began to lighten somewhat after he'd come over and we'd talk about what it was that was bothering us. I let him know that I'd made a commitment to him, not to non-existent children and if we never had kids, that would be fine. It was a terrible decision for me to make because I'd always wanted to be a mom. Additionally, I'd be willing to leave our home and set up a new home in a city about two hours away, away from my family, away from my job, away from everything familiar. I was trying to be the understanding

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