by Taylor Ibanez

Created on: November 21, 2008

I view my reflection through a filter. Years of conditioning that has been distorted for what I speculate others see in my face. I see the details everyday. My face represents all that is me internally. That is what I have created. It's what I use to hide from you. My face, the face you see, is the physical connection to my inner self.

There are times I see beauty. A good looking person with features that some might envy. I practice smiles and try to find attractive positions that I will use when I'm conversing with someone. A slight head tilt that will make my nose seem smaller and my jaw-line prominent. If I could control the lighting in a room, it would be an ambient lighting. Candlelight is not only romantic, it truly is the best lighting for hiding the details that may or may not have you reject me for a superficial reason.

The unattractive angles of my face and the disgusting details that are truths will be used against myself to validate why you had lost interest. I will focus on my physical appearance when I perceive abandonment.

"I knew it all along, you really weren't into me..."

You have just become a cold, superficial monster.

It works temporarily. For the moment. An impulsive decision to end our wonderful evening abruptly because I revealed too much of my inner self. Too fast perhaps. I wanted to keep you down.

A test.

A test to see your expression that will validate what I suspected all along.

It just so happens you were a really nice person and I fell in love with you for an hour or so. You were on a pedestal for awhile there.

I wanted to reveal myself internally.

That was my first mistake.

You reacted normally.

After I reflect on the drama and you're left wondering what went wrong, I feel that pain again. That knot in my stomach. A rush of fear and anxiety that would be more properly suited to being held down, waiting to be tortured.

I wait for your call. I pace and check to make sure the phone is working. I call you and then hang up when you answer.

I have just created a scenario to be abandoned.

It worked.

Standing in front of the mirror, viewing my reflection, I pull back a tight-nasal-breath from my sinuses. Mucus fills my mouth. I spit the mouthful of disgust directly where it belongs.

I can see every detail of this disgusting face so clearly. Every discolouration and dark blemish. That prominent jaw line has just turned into a double-chin, with a under bite reminiscent of a tired, murderous serial killer that is waiting for his execution.

After a few days, it goes away.

I become a recluse and will avoid people as if they somehow are at fault for these feelings.

Then, I get that lonely pain again.

I have no one to call and I realize the truth.

It's all me.

At an attempt to be normal, I start again.

I'll pursue another relationship and do this all over again.

This time, I'll try my best to not fall in love so quickly by choosing someone I can't get close to.

A married person perhaps.

Between you and me.

I really don't think it will make a difference.

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