by Pierre Roustan

Created on: November 21, 2008   Last Updated: January 10, 2009

There's a reason why they call the "date" an 'American institution' (emphasis on the word 'institution'). Better yet, I'd call it an 'American asylum'. So many questions, so many options-should I shave, should I tussle my hair, should I wear casual or formal, what kind of cologne should I wear or not at all, should I bring a condom, should I assume I need one, should I worry if she starts spouting out obscenities due to her Tourette's, does she have a venereal disease, do *I* have a venereal disease-

Maybe I should get it checked, maybe I need to bring a condom just in case, what if she turns into Glenn Close from "Fatal Attraction", what if she *doesn't*, what if she's boring (like her not threatening me with a knife while asking me to spend time with her isn't boring), what if she smells like soup, what if she used to be a man-

I don't know. Am I getting out of hand with this? To me, the concept of meeting a woman is sort of like jumping into a bottomless pit with a thin bungee cord tied to your penis (which if you think about it might actually feel interesting). You don't know where you'll end up. And it's very possible you'll be sore in your groin. That might be a bad thing-or a good thing.

I guess I'm already tainted with my concept of women, so the concept of dating seems to be a sick concept. Why would a man subject himself to such insanity? For a little tail action? Maybe. But the trade-off is hardly worth it. We're talkin' a few hours versus several months of insanity. Women embody insanity. Sorry. It's true.

And the same goes the opposite way. What the heck do women get out of it? Why should we subject ourselves to the frustration women have? We know how we are-we're smelly, hairy, oblivious. We're big dumb animals. That's like a woman buying an elephant and having to take care of it 24/7 in her tiny apartment. Especially if, say *I*, don't know how to cook.

It scares me that dating seems to resemble pitch sessions. That's what they are, yeah-pitch sessions. You're 'pitching' the idea of YOU to another person. You're trying to sell YOU. And YOU stands for 'Yes Open Us', like the idea of a 'couple' is a box that we open without knowing what's in it, and there's no warranty, plus the box has the word FRAGILE written all over it, and when it was shipped out from wherever it came, it fell down several flights of stairs. Not much of an investment there except by faith. I *believe* you are a normal person, and I promise you that I'm also normal despite my need

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