by Eric Weinstock

Created on: November 21, 2008   Last Updated: January 10, 2009

Is she dating you, or is she dating your profession? Is she a fellow professional with an inferiority complex because she makes less than you, or a bad attitude because she makes more?

I hear you friend.

It's hard enough to match up in terms of personality and intellectual and physical compatibility, but often it is professional incompatibility that sends the whole relationship down the tubes.

What to do?

There are no easy answers.

First of all be honest. If your focus is on your career and you are just dating for fun, then be upfront about it. Yes, you will lose out on sexual opportunities. Yes, you will curse yourself for being honest. But, if you meet someone who is looking for a long-term relationship which will hopefully lead to marriage and you're not - just say "no". Going home to an empty apartment is better than sitting in a restaurant giving the "it's not you, it's me" speech while she cries and feels like she is being stabbed in the heart. It's not worth it. Trust me it's not.

Secondly, be very wary of a relationship with anyone in the same profession. I'm not saying that it won't work out, it can - it's just that the odds are totally against you. Even though neither of you may think of yourselves as competitive, you will be competitive with each other. You will have arguments about work, that aren't really arguments about work. If you lose the argument, you will resent her. If you win the argument you will lose the war.

So what should you do?

Try to find someone who is a fellow professional, but a different profession than yours. Accountants and writers, lawyers and doctors, dentists and artists all make great couples. In each case she must be as passionate about her work as you are. She must enjoy her work as much as you do. This reduces the number of arguments about the time that you devote to it. Dating someone who doesn't enjoy their work is deadly. There is no way for them to understand your drive to succeed.

Dating someone who makes a lot less than you is also usually deadly after a while. Although they may be enjoying the benefits of your income they will resent the time you spend apart. As a friend of mine once complained to me, "what does she want me to do? Mug people?"

When you are dating, money is usually not an issue. You are a man. The man pays. A professional man definitely pays. If this bothers you don't go to places that you are not willing to pay for. It's that simple. If she wants to go to a more expensive place and is not willing to share the cost, she is using you. Don't kid yourself. If she cares about you and not what you can buy for her then she will only want to go to places that fit your budget. You don't want a woman dating you because she is hungry.

Although you may have different professions, yours may be more time consuming. Again, be honest. Be truly sorry when you cancel a date. If you are not truly sorry then why are you dating her?

As Polonius said to Hamlet, "to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any (wo)man." At work you need to be in control. You need to apply all of your skills and training and fulfill your professional obligations to your client. Are you trying to do the same thing in your relationship? Are you choosing someone that you can control? Are you resentful if you can't control them? At work you seek out every advantage. Are you doing the same in a relationship? Remember this is not work. This is your life. Find an equal partner. Appreciate what they do. Make sure they appreciate what you do.

And, by the way, have fun out there.

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