by Chris Tattersall

Created on: November 21, 2008

It is a hope that in sharing these two embarrassing experiences, I may finally be able to exorcise these memories, and put a stop to the cold sweats I endure every time I recall them.

1.

Inadvertently and unintentionally offending people is a talent my wife has had for as long as I have known her, however, I am not sure if she will ever surpass this episode (at least I hope I am not around if she does).

It was to be a wonderful day of celebration, in which our son would be taking part in the school concert along with many other children. We were seated near the back of the school's great hall, and it was nearing capacity. A hush came over the hall as the concert was about to begin.

A girl was introduced as a novice to music but was applauded as she got out of her chair a couple of rows ahead and facing away from us. She strode quickly towards a piano on the stage, and was obviously very young and nervous. The hall was quiet, and my wife turned to me and said, in her style of whisper (which always seems to be louder than talking, especially as the acoustics of the hall were excellent): I bet she plays chopsticks', suddenly there was a feeling that all the air in the room had been sucked out as the hundreds of parents inhaled a gasp as one. What's just happened?' we thought.

The Chinese girl turned and sat at the piano.

2.

I was working for a pharmaceutical company and had unusually been offered a free trip to Paris. I flew from Heathrow airport to Charles de Gaulle in Paris and was met by a tall, well dressed Frenchman, with a Patershal' sign held at waist level and rolling his eyes he obviously knew I wasn't really a VIP, I had just had a brief stroke of luck. That is assuming the sign was meant to say Tattersall'

Being English I did as all the English do in a foreign land and assume that we can be understood if we speak slowly and loudly TAAA-TTTT-ERRR-SAAA-LLLLL' I said, and immediately felt like the ignorant Brit abroad that I was.

Qui' came the reply.

My driver walked off and I followed close behind, hopeful of not being abducted. We arrived at a large shiny Renault, he paused. I duly passed him and entered the passenger side of the car. Almost instantaneously I realised my mistake.

There was a steering wheel in front of me. I had forgotten that mainland Europe drive on the other side of the road to the UK.

I got out of the car as quick as I could, but not before my error had been noticed. My driver was standing two cars back and around the far side of his car, with the rear door open and a grin across his face that he was trying hard (but not hard enough) to hide.

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