by Joy Jones

Created on: November 21, 2008

It can be very difficult to balance a teenagers privacy with good parenting, however, it must be done. As kids get older, they are entitled to more trust and, in turn, more privacy. The flip side of that is, the more trust that you put in a child, the more opportunities they have to make the wrong choices.

Many people think that the best way to raise a child is by bringing them up according to the "They can have privacy when they move out of my house" principle. But, when you do that to a child that is approaching adulthood, you expose them to the possibility of not being able to handle the duality of freedom and responsibility that comes with being out on their own for the first time. So, to give a teenager privacy, you must be able to trust them.

One of the best ways to address the whole situation is simply to talk to the teen. Tell them that you understand tht they are getting older and it's time for you to back off a little and let them grow. But be sure to tell them that it is a two way street. You can only trust them and respect their privacy as far as they let you. If they show the warning signs of drug use, let them know that you will be checking their room for contraband. If you think that they are having sex, you will be checking for contraband and possibly reading diaries.

Now, there is s line between providing them much-needed privacy and letting them get away with things because you don't want to intrude on them. At 7 or 17, your child is still a child. At 7, they need protection from the world, at 17, sometimes they have to be protected from themselves. And we all know that sometimes an invasion of privacy is necessary to protect a teenager. Your first line of recourse when you feel that there is an issue to address should always be talking directly to your child. When they won't talk or you feel that they are being untruthful, then you invade as necessary.

When I was a teenager I hated the idea that my mother might read my diary, yet on one occasion, it literally saved my life. I was feeling suicidal and wouldn't talk to her, so she read my private thoughts to get to the truth. I was very angry with her for a long time, but I got the help I needed. The same drastic measures may be necessary at some point with your child.

No matter how you handle your child and privacy issues, remember that the basis for a strong and honest relationship with any kid has to start early. Encourage an open and honest relationship with your child from the beginning and you won't have to worry about what they may try to hide from you. And try to remember that even if your child does betray your trust, you need to give them chances to earn it back. One mistake or incident should not destroy the trust between you and your child forever.

Privacy is important, but so is being a good parent and providing the boundaries and support that a child needs. If you refuse to provide privacy to a teen that deserves it, then you may encourage them to rebel. On the other hand, if you give too much trust to a teen that doesn't deserve it, then you may be opening them up to make too many serious mistakes. The answer will be different for every family, based on the relationship between the kids and the parents and the ability of the parents to read the child.

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