by Stephanie Fitzpatrick

Created on: November 19, 2008   Last Updated: January 03, 2011

When I was pregnant with my daughters I knew what they would look like when they were born. I could see their fetuses forming and growing in mind each day. Their personalities were clear to me long before they emerged from my womb. It was an amazing experience. I also thought I liked children. The expectations of a Midwestern upbringing were for me to have children in my twenties and transform into a conservative, church-going, God-fearing, applique sweater wearing woman. Suddenly I was supposed to enjoy Tupperware parties and become the room-mother at preschool. I was supposed to care about Dora the Explorer and peddle tins of crappy peanut brittle for school fund-raisers. Everything I was supposed to be was torture, and the thought occurred to me that I might get fired from my position for being under-qualified. After I got over this bout of low self-esteem I realized that becoming a mother did not take away my person-hood. There is no "model" mom. Knowing your role, being an example, loving in spite of, and the ability to let go are the common threads that tie all moms- domestic engineer, single mother, career mom, and non-custodial mom together.

A mother's job is to give her child the tools to be a self-sufficient adult. Many women find themselves in charge of a new life without ever possessing the tools themselves. Whether we have the tools or aquire them along the way, moms teach their children boundaries almost innately. Children must know where they can turn for comfort and be confident in learning to comfort themselves. Mothers become tyrannical task-masters when it is time for our older children to start taking on household responsibilities. Moms make their children accept the consequences of their actions and provide a safety net for when they fail. Our role is not heroic. The job is ugly and messy and sometimes disgusting. No one comes away without shedding a few tears.

It is vital that a mother stand firm in her beliefs and choose wisely in her relationships. The impact of her choices reaches deep into a child's psyche. It doesn't matter if you have to eat ramen noodles twice a week and never subscribe to cable. It doesn't matter if your family shops at the thrift store rather than Macy's. When a child sees his or her mother in a healthy romantic relationship, being kind to the neighbor, or firmly believing in and supporting a cause, it gives that child a sense of being- the realization that our ties to humanity can be kind and good and wonderful. Most moms are selfless without even trying. It is easy to give to our children before we do for ourselves. This is not a skill; it is an instinct.

Children are not always easy to love. Any mother will tell you of moments when she has strongly disliked her child. Most of us have experienced hurt and disappointment painful enough to make us wonder if it would be better not to have a heart. Unconditional love is an abstract concept until the child one has loved, sacrificed, then sacrificed for again betrays all that is held sacred. It happens to each of us in one way or another. We still love, and perhaps come away wiser.

Finally, when we have given the tools, been the example, and loved in spite of, there comes a day to let go. We teach our children to eat on their own, pee on their own, love on their own, cry on their own, and fly on their own. Mother's accept the person their child chooses to be. Each life is its own.

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