by Taylor Ibanez

Created on: November 19, 2008

There is a confusing feeling.

Then fear later follows. Fear that creates unbearable feelings in my stomach. Anxious and a desire to do something. Something, anything that will somehow cure the horrible feeling and make it go away. The restraint paralyses my body making me feel weak and drained. Shaking with a desire to be alone so no one can see this pathetic human being. It would be humiliating to be witnessed behaving this way.

It is the consequence for the murderous, demeaning method I use to destroy the bond I tried to create initially with someone I tried to love.

"Behaviour" is a word used to describe the action or reaction to the environment a person is subjected to. In my case, subjects himself to. Subconsciously or consciously driven and can be either acceptable or unacceptable. Good or bad. Notice the dualities. Notice how they are completely opposite.

Black or white, if you will.

The feelings are nothing short of maddening. They are triggered when a human bond has been established. I am not sure when this takes place as the relationship progresses. There must be circumstances that arise that solidify the attachment or bond.

At least my version of it.

This is when an interesting turn of events take place. A trigger that sow the seeds for me to begin my file on things wrong with you. An arsenal of all your idiosyncrasies and negatives that I will later use against you to make the inevitable loss easier to deal with.

For me, it has to happen. It's the way things are and the way it's always been.

I can set my clock by it.

There is no real answer to control this, "behaviour." If I knew what defining moment created the bond, I would avoid it and keep my distance. At least then I could maintain a distant relationship and perhaps the berating would not ensue. It catches me off guard.

I want a relationship. A friend, a co-worker, a band mate, a confidant and most of all, a girlfriend. I've destroyed or ended every relationship I've ever been in.

A relationship serial killer with little to no conscience at the time of murder.

Anything I value is somehow devalued. Even material possessions. Shelter is valuable. Food is valuable. Money is valuable. All of it I abuse and take for granted. I value none of it. A behaviour that is unacceptable and completely instilling my self hate.

I'm left to watch the madness take place. I am on the borderline of psychosis. I can see the reality but the same part of my brain that makes rational decisions based on fact is the same part of my

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