by Amanda Blake

Created on: November 18, 2008   Last Updated: January 13, 2009

It seems a bizarre idea at first thought maybe, but it seems to me like the people who are the most outgoing can also be the most scared. To quote Freddie Mercury it can be a case of "I'm lonely but no one can tell". Maybe it's a form of self protection: if you look happy and outgoing, other people assume that to be true. Then there should be less danger of someone realising how you really feel, and of your real vulnerability being seen. It can be an easy habit to develop, but a hard one to break. You become so used to pretending that everything is great that you don't know what to do in order to open up and let someone in. Thing is, behaving that way is alright for a while but you can become very lonely. No one gets to know your real personality, and it can be hard effectively putting on an act 24/7.

It can also mess up your chances of having relationships. If being yourself is impossible around friends and acquaintances, how do you open up when someone more special (or potentially so) is around? Maybe some people can do that, but it just seems to be so much effort. Unless you are the kind of person who only chooses casual encounters or short term relationships, emotional attachment is probably going to develop later on. At that point, do you break up and maintain that faade with someone else, or face the prospect of shooing who you really are?

The irony is that, even though someone like this may seem happy and the opposite of lonely, sometimes that's exactly what you feel. You become so used to not having to open up or show feeling that the prospect of doing so is pretty terrifying. I want to do that, but what if I get hurt? The idea of being vulnerable, and the fear it brings, overrides the desire for a relationship and another potential partner just passes by. Eventually you become so used to being a certain way that it seems unthinkable to behave in any other manner. Your comfort zone is about retaining control, and being in a relationship of any kind will probably involve relinquishing that to some degree.

So what do you do? I would love to be able to go out with someone, but every time there is someone potential I back away. Waiting for them to ask is one tactic, but often it seems either feelings die before they get a chance to spark or someone else gets there first. The truth is I really miss dating but having been used to not opening up makes it hard. For the right person, or someone who could be, then maybe its worth a shot. The next question however is how to do just that. And that's one question I don't have the answer to at the moment.

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