by eugenie

Created on: November 18, 2008

From my early twenties I seem to been constantly on a diet. I would lose weight then after about three months put it and more back on. Even today I am on a diet. When you start dieting the very thing you want to avoid FOOD becomes an obsession. You think about what you are going to eat for the next meal all the time and even think about what you will have two days down the road. It is like torture really, and I wonder why I punished myself so much. Why most women do just to be the sexy woman everyone thinks is the ideal woman. You look in magazines and think all these gorgeous women perfect women. The one that is really under all your fat and is just dying to get out. I want men to look at me and desire me what woman does not.

Two years ago I lose seven stone. I lost six dress sizes. I looked like a different person. I thought I would be happier and I was to some extent but it was not easy to be so perfect all the time. It was constant punishment. I ate very little even when I was really straving. I ran five miles every day and did two hours on other cardio machines in the gym. Even when I was home I was crunching on a fit ball or doing weights while I watched televison. My life was about only me and my weight I had no time for anyone else. Anytime I had left over was spent on my children and house I had little time for my husband and I felt he should understand because he was very happy with the way I look.

When I lost all the weight I got constant attention. Everyone telling me how gorgeous I looked and how did I do it. I could spend all night telling them about diet exercise. I became a fitness and diet expert , but I was obsessive about exercise and every bite I ate. If I missed one day at the gym I really got upset and really agitated. Even when I injured myself running I still continue to run on my injured leg. I then ended up on crutches for three months. This was a nightmare. I ate virtually nothing so that my weight would not go back up and I still continued to do the fitball and hand weights even though that was even painful. My trainer told me to only do certain exercise and the amount of time I should spend in the gym but it went in one ear and out the other.

When I was really slim and fit I loved the attention but I was beginning to believe I was one of the skinny people and I started to eat items I would never had eaten at the height of my fitness drive believeing I would not put on weight. I slowly put up weight and at first did not notice and then did not care. At one time I could win a gold medal for Ireland in eating rubbish. Eventually over time I have put back on four stone. I ignored it and just kept going. I am still me inside its just my body that is not looking good. I am not huge but according to charts I am obese. I do not like the way I look or the way I feel about myself. I kept saying I will lose weight next week but like a lot of women next week never comes.

Last week in work a new girl asked me if I was pregnant in front of my boss and another person. I got so upset and could not stop crying and was very angry with her even when she said sorry but now I think she did me a favour. I did not really need her to tell me how bad I looked I knew that myself but I have started a healthy eating plan and even though today I had a little relapse I am not going to beat myself up about it. This time I will not get obsessed about the gym. I am more sensible about the whole thing now and will forgive myself if I slip up. I doubt if I will reach the weight or fitness I did but as long as I am healthy fit and happy is what matters..

Perfect is not everything............

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