by Holle Abee

Created on: November 18, 2008

A true Southern education does not revolve around the traditional "three Rs" of reading, writing, and 'rithmetic. Instead, to fully achieve full indoctrination into "Southernality," one must be steeped in the fine points of folklore, tradition, history, and of course, that uniquely charming Dixie speech.

If you were lucky enough to be born into an old Southern family in the upper-middle class or higher, you began learning all these Southern values before you could walk. Your teachers were your parents, your grandparents, your minister, and your neighbors. If you're an outsider, the path to a bonafide Southern education will be long and difficult, but not altogether impossible.

Let's begin first with the folklore tradition. Every good Southerner, even those with high fallutin' PhDs from Emory or UGA, believes in at least one or two tall tales indigenous to his particular region or state. For example, Florida has its skunk ape, Georgia has its Hogzilla, Alabama has its river monster, Mississippi has man-eating catfish, Louisiana's bayou is home to 30-foot gators, and so on. Every town south of the Mason-Dixon line has a ghost, and at least three citizens who have been abducted by aliens. You get the picture. If you were born and bred in the South, you're required to not only believe in, but firmly defend, these legends. Why, it would be un-Southern not to!

As for tradition, there are just things you are required to do and those that you must avoid at all cost. When a visitor arrives at your door, you must always invite him in and offer him a glass of iced tea and something to eat. You go to church on Sunday. You never make a scene in public. Women must belong to a garden club, and men must hunt and fish. Children should not speak when grownups are talking. Southern women should be taught to deep fry and to make biscuits. Football is a religion and should be treated accordingly. The opening day of deer season is a holiday.

History, according to the average Southerner, is much different than the facts taught elsewhere in the nation. The Civil War is known as "the war of Northern aggression." The war was not about slavery or states' rights, it was about king cotton. Those yankees were envious of our cash crops and our way of life, so they fired on Fort Sumter in 1861. We were just defending ourselves. Every Southern child learns this version of the war, usually on his grandfather's knee.

Southerners are most easily identified by their manner of speaking and in the words they choose. Few folks know this, but it's the grits that make us talk the way we do. You know, that lilting drawl. We learn to always use "ma'am" and "sir" if we're speaking to someone at least ten years older than we are. If you're 30 and speaking to a 40-year-old, say "sir" or "ma'am." But remember that "sir" is actually pronounced "suh." "War" is "wawuh." "Beer" is "bee-uh." Get it? Also, you're allowed to say anything about anybody as long as you follow it with "Bless his heart." An example: "My Law-ud, that's the ugliest baby I evuh did see! Bless his heart." See? That one little phrase makes everything okay.

Yep, it's true. The south is like a whole nother country, as Forrest Gump would say. Mild winters, long summers, mountains, rivers, white sand beaches, magnolia blossoms, watermelon, home-grown tomatoes, barbecue, fresh seafood, good music, wonderful literature, sports, family, and religion. We believe the South truly is God's country!

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