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Since May 16, 2005, our lives have not been the same. My husband has nervous system damage apparently from a virus that caused the high fever. We've traveled to Mayo Clinic two times and to Dallas once for testing and only to find out we have no answer for why he experiences this. He experiences seizures very often, and at least once a month they are to such a degree that we do not know if he is going to come out of them or not. He has requested we not call EMS for these as his pain is so severe the rest of the time he does not want to be resuscitated if he loses blood pressure.

He has experienced near death several times due to his autonomic nervous system shutting down and has come back, slowly each time, and with more pain each time. His pain is severe enough he gets pain medication, but only enough for a couple of hours a day of relief. The rest of the time he writhes in pain. This has changed our lives so much that I find it hard to put into words.

One aspect of caregiving that I don't hear a lot about is how you go through a traumatic event such as a heart attack or major illness and then you have caregiving tasks right after that with no break in between. You don't get a chance to recover from the shock of the event itself before entering into the world of 24 hour a day caregiving. The anxiety and depression on top of that can be deadly. I suffered from a mini stroke and low thyroid the first year of caring for my husband and I'm 100 percent sure its due to the stress of the traumatic events.

He got a pacemaker on July 6, 2005 and the night before he got it put in, his heart was stopping quite frequently and he was hooked up to the crash cart. The defibrillator shocked him every time he moved, and he had to be the most miserable person on earth. At one point the pain was so intense I thought he was going to go into shock and I went into the hallway to cry to the nurses that I didn't think he was going to make it. Some man who happened to be standing there could see my shock and he pulled up a chair for me and told me it would be all right. He did'nt know that but it really helped to hear someone say that. I often think he was an angel, because he wasn't a nurse, he wasn't a patient, I don't know who he was. I often think of this incident and it keeps me going - the human kindness it reminds me of.

I have another example of a time when I think an anonymous angel came to our assistance, when he flatlined a priest came to give him last rites and I remember

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