by Joanne Smith

Created on: November 17, 2008   Last Updated: January 20, 2010

Lovers have an intimacy in their relationship that goes deeper than an average friendship.  There is enormous trust that is put in the partner of someone you bare your body to.   Your intimacy encompasses your feelings about your body, your sexuality and your feeling surrounding pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.  Although not all sexual encounters take such forethought most serious relationships cause us to consider these factors at one time or another.

Thanks to modified images on television depicting men and women with perfectly sculpted bodies and flawless attributes most of average public has doubted their own bodies at some point.  It is those self doubts that cause us to feels such enormous trust in our partner during love making, allowing ourselves to be viewed at our most vulnerable.  When our partners reassure us on what we consider to be our shortcomings we relate our positive body image to them. 

When a relationship breaks up there are many factors to consider, why the relationship resolved, how the break up was manufacture and the feelings of both partners when the relationship ended.  If both partners continue to share feelings of safety and appreciation for one another then there would be no reason to be fearful of being friends.  It would be obvious those emotional boundaries were put in place and that both people had the same objective, to simply be friends.  When one person has not taken on the responsibility of expressing their hidden desires to reconcile they have broken the trust barrier. 

Friendship consists of mutual understanding, shared interests and an ability to support one another.  If one of these areas is not being met then friendship can not happen.  This is also true if having an ex-lover as a friend infringes on meeting the needs of your new partner.  Depending on which friendship means more to you, respecting the safety needs of your new partner, within reason is as important as any old friendship you could reconcile.

When meeting my now husband he was aware of my ex lover.  We were neighbors.  My husband felt secure and loved in our relationship.  He had no reason to feel anything but.  I had absolved all former romantic feelings for my ex and my husband was aware of that.  Beginning a new relationship with my ex came about as our children were born.  We suddenly had a common interest that could form because we shared an understanding of where this new relationship, the platonic relationship was going.  If my husband had feelings of jealousy or competition it would not have been in my best interest to continue a relationship that I could have gained with any of my children’s friend’s parents.  Friends fill our needs and if those needs can be met elsewhere in order to spare new partner feelings, I would move on.

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