by Lesley Tomlin

Created on: November 16, 2008   Last Updated: December 31, 2008

Grandparents raising their grandchildren has become such a common occurrence today. Obviously, there are different reasons for this, but increasingly it is because our children can't or won't. As a grandparent practically raising my oldest grandson for 5 of his 9 years, I have thought long and hard on why this is happening, and I think it is linked to the fact that so many households have both parents working.

And before anyone starts, let me explain. In the so called nuclear age, mum was home, all the time. Dad would work and then come home and either sit and read the paper or watch TV, maybe spend some time playing with the kids. On weekends, he would do his chores, play with the kids, maybe catch a game of golf. You get the picture. Mum would be up before the kids, get dad off to work, get the kids fed and ready for school. Then, while everyone was out, except the littlies, she would clean the house and get everything done so when the kids come home, she could organise homework, solve any problems, prepare dinner. OK, you've got the setting, and hopefully you can picture it; no doubt some of you can remember those days, whether you were mum or the kids.

Our kids learnt what was expected (or accepted) by watching their parents. They learnt parenting skills. The girls learnt from mum that "this is what I'm expected to do when I grow up, and mum is teaching me." The boys are learning that mum does everything. I can count on mum because she is always there for me. The girls learn that dad is big and strong and he is the bread winner, he comes first. The boys learn from their dads that it is their responsibility to provide for the family and that dad will teach me how to do this while at the same time still being fun.

Then, as the generations came through, mums started going to work. They needed to, to help ends meet. By the time mum gets home from work, she has the chores to do, meals to prepare, homework to organise, kids to sort out. Then somewhere in there she needs to spend time with the kids, time with dad, time for herself. Dad comes home from work and his routine hasn't changed. Mum starts getting grouchy because she's so tired and not getting any help and there is so much to do. The kids start thinking that they don't want to be like this when they grow up. I'm going to do what I want and there is no-one around to tell me different.

In the meantime, who's teaching the kids parenting skills, responsibility, or just where they fit in the scheme of things?

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