by Pamela Ramey-Tatum

Created on: January 17, 2007   Last Updated: April 23, 2007

Everyone knows that the bliss we experience in the early stages of a relationship sooner or later wears off. Well, what then? Once you have a healthy, loving relationship, how do you make it thrive after reality has descended upon your fairy tale?

We project all our light and visions of the ideal lover onto our new partner. They are everything we ever dreamed of; they are perfect; they are our ticket to happy-ever-after. Like with anything new, we tend to handle our new relationshipour new partnerwith extra care.

Let's take a moment to look specifically at what behaviors we engage in that make the beginning of a relationship so wonderful:

We continually show the best side of ourselves to each other
We are loving and respectful at all times
We really listen to each otherand enjoy it
We are willing and eager to do the things the other enjoys
We tend to overlook shortcomings and are reluctant to criticize each other
We are excitedif not thrilledto spend time together and generally do
so as often as possible
We are simply being the best we can be, the best versions of ourselves

So what happens? The illusion fades and we begin to project our darkness rather than our light onto our partner. Our Mr. Perfect can actually be a little controlling at times. Ms. Perfect can be critical and demanding. Soon we may not see the perfect lover we once saw. Instead, we are staring at our human selvesflawed, vulnerable, woundedeven damagedand each terrified at our inability to maintain that illusion of perfection forever, and equally terrified our partner will leave us when they find out all our imperfections.

But once the veil is lifted we have a choice: we can either help each other heal or we can wound each other more deeply. This is when the real challenges, but also the real rewards, begin.

The secret is to notice when we're projecting our darkness onto our partner. If our reaction to something our partner does seems more intense than warranted, we're projecting. A wound from our past is being triggered, and it's more about us than our partner.

Remember that when we're upset, it's difficult to recognize that we're projecting; thus, it's critical when we get upset, angry or frustrated with our partner to stop and breathe. Our primary goal must be to shift ourselves from our gut back into our heart. A good method is to let go of the hurt or slight and focus on the love we have for our partner and who we know them to be. Once we're back in our heart, we will more clearly see if

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