by Rebecca White

Created on: January 17, 2007   Last Updated: December 19, 2007

We often find ourselves 'justifying' many behaviours in our lives. We 'justify' our mother's and father's annoying habits and our siblings' irritating ways. However, when we justify our partner's habits, we tend to 'skip over' the effects of these habits because we 'justify' them EVEN more. 'That's just the way she is.' 'He likes it that way so I'd better do it.'

When we spend a long period of time with someone whom we know we cannot escape as easily (ie. those to whom we are married or in a close partnership with) we tend to become 'part of them' and so we excuse a lot of their negative behaviours which in our 'normal' family environment we would NOT normally put up with. They are not habits, they are an illness which we start to ACCEPT.

This illness is 'abuse' which in its entirety encompasses physical, emotional, sexual and mental and sometimes all of those mentioned. This means the abuser 'punishes' the abusee for trivial or 'imagined' things such as 'talking to someone of the opposite sex' or 'not having the dinner ready on time or the way they like it' or 'saying the wrong thing at dinner in front of friends'. There are numerous examples and one cannot list them all here. However, it is all about 'CONTROL'. The abuser has no control over family or jobs or a particular area they wish they 'did' have control over. For eg. they may feel sexually inadequate or not earn enough money or feel 'ugly'so they have to 'abuse' to establish and regain such control. It is quite pathetic and sad for them. Remember though, they are usually adults and should have the ability to reflect and know that there are professionals to speak to about this. This is not your job! You must look after yourself first.

The abuser is usually someone who is weak and insecure inside (and may often not have the awareness to deal with this) and the 'abusee' someone passively willing to accept the abuse. I know this is harsh but I have been through a form of abuse and I know that in allowing it, you are are 'ACCEPTING' it. Women especially accept abuse because they feel there is no alternative. 'What if I'm single?' 'Who will love me?' 'What about the kids?' This is NOT true. This is part of what the abuser wants you to believe. It is hard to find a decent person who compliments your values and beliefs but they DO EXIST and likewise for male 'abusees'. When children are involved it is more difficult but it is 'POSSIBLE' to live a healthy life without an abusive partner.

The first step is to love

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