by Angela S. Young

Created on: November 14, 2008

Codependence in youngsters is a sign that they have been "over" loved but not really loved at all. Codependence forms out of an unusual, unhealthy attachment. These unhealthy attachments may look like love from the outside, but to the child, it's more about control and guilt. The child learns to think of love as something else entirely, while yet continuing to yearn for real love.

According to The Mental Health America Fact sheet, "Co-dependency is a learned behavior hat can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship." These relationships are "one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."

Co-dependency is often associated with drug or alcohol abuse, but it stretches its tendrils into other forms of addiction as well. Co-dependency often starts when one person in a family is "sick" in some way, addicted or otherwise, and the family focus all revolves around the sick person.

A co-dependent child will have problems with self-esteem, and often act out in some way in an attempt to feel better. The person he or she is co-dependent with is often overly needy in some way. The fault for their neediness may not even lie in their own hands, as with sickness, but the dynamics play out the same. On the other hand, the adult may be considered as co-dependent on the child.

In this case, the adult feels good when he or she is needed by the child. They continue to do things for the child so the child never learns to do for him or herself. A person's need for a parent never goes away, but the need for physical help should be left behind in adulthood. I once met a 14 year old boy who could not tie his own shoes. He lived with grandparents who continued to do everything for him, even when he was old enough to do for himself.

Whether the child is the "needy" one or the adult, co-dependency masks a host of problems in the dysfunctional family. The concept of love is skewed and the child, along with many of his or her feelings is buried deep beneath the mask. The child knows something is wrong, but has no idea what to do about it. They look for real love, but have no idea that is what they're doing. They just want to feel better.

Fortunately, people can overcome co-dependency, but it takes a lot of work. The co-dependent child looks for love but finds neediness instead, whether a need for help from the child or a need to keep the child needy. Children need unconditional love, and they will seek it in any way they have to, even to the point of co-dependent behavior. After all, that kind of attention is better than no attention at all in the mind of the child.

http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency

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