by Maggie West

Created on: November 13, 2008

This is an e-mail message I received recently:

"I am 54 years old, and I just want to say that at a certain point all of this "having a good" relationship with someone is nonsense. You must find someone regardless of the relationship you get, as you grow old - right? Otherwise, you'll be way too old and living your life alone. Everybody wants to have someone near, as they grow old. Why does it matter who the person is?"

Needing someone/anyone to define any part of your life could be a low self-esteem issue, insecurity. The relationship should compliment what you do, and who you are a coexistence of sorts. There is a big difference. Notice I used "need" in the first sentence. By stating the word "regardless" in your statement, I believe that you consider this a "must", a "should". In order for you (or anyone) to express healthy affection, you must care about yourself first. You cannot properly comprehend loving another individual if you do not know how to love yourself. And if a healthy relationship and/or affection is not what one seeks, even in our old age, then why bother.

At any age: if the happiness you seek is not within the confines of your being, you will not find it somewhere else; someone else does not give you the gift of happiness, you give it to yourself. Find a way to love who you are and what you do. Then, and only then, will someone see who you really are and appreciate your signature characteristics.

It seems most of us believe happiness will just fall into our laps somehow; no effort, no thought, no self-discovery. Some "fairy godmother" is not going to come and wave her wand, magically making happiness appear in our lives. It starts with us! From there, the road is hard work, perseverance, acknowledgment, and humility, just to name a few!

"Wanting" someone - now - there's a whole different matter. The desire for someone to spend time with, feel things with, and share things with is natural: a very intrinsic human characteristic. But, one that could cause more harm than good, if acted upon with insecurities, negativity, uncertainty, impulsiveness, and aversion instead of reflection, enthusiasm, confidence, deliberation, and affection.

We do ourselves a great injustice when we decide to "settle" for just anyone. If I've learned one thing, from interviewing numerous couples/individuals for the past three years, it is that it's never too late!

Once we've given up the search, once we've said, "what's the use," we end it for ourselves. Worse still, we

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>