by Andrea-Lee Peters

Created on: November 12, 2008

No relationship ever begins with abuse. Abuse is usually something that creeps up over time. Sure there may have been those initial warning signs, but if we don't know what to look for how do we know? Many people who end up in an abusive relationship don't realise how bad it has become, and they find it incredibly difficult to even imagine walking away. Friends and family looking in from the outside may tell them that what they are experiencing isn't right, but until the individual being abused realises they need help, there is rarely anything anyone else can do.

Types of abuse.

It is important to understand that there are different forms of abuse; physical, emotional and sexual. Physical abuse is anything one individual does to another to cause physical pain, such as pushing, punching, hitting and slapping. Emotional abuse is mainly verbal and wears down the victim by belittling and intimidating them. The victim begins to believe they are worthless and self esteem becomes very low. This is a form of mental torture and can stay with the victim forever. Sexual abuse is often immediately associated with child abuse, but can also occur in adult relationships. If you feel obliged to have sex with a partner but don't want to, or are afraid of what they will do if you don't, this is sexual abuse. Being forced in anyway into a sexual relationship, adult or child, is wrong and unacceptable.

How to recognize an abusive relationship.

It is easier to recognize a physically or sexually abusive relationship. In both the victim is being physically harmed and caused pain. Harder to define or identify is emotional abuse. As mentioned at the start, no relationship begins in an abusive way or we wouldn't stick around to begin with. Abuse is something that evolves over time when the relationship becomes comfortable. At this point the abuser thinks you won't, or can't leave. Emotional abuse wears the victim down to the point that they believe they can't live without the abuser. The abuser may call the victim names and threaten them in one instance only to apologize and tell them how much they care the next. The abuser may start arguments in order to remain in control and create the conflict. They want to control the victim and do so by accusing them of things they haven't done for example, "I saw you looking at him! You're attracted to him aren't you?". In response, the victim who is innocent protests and falls into the trap of the abuser. The abuser may also ignore the victim, making the victim wonder what they did wrong. The plain simple answer, "NOTHING!" It is the abuser who is in the wrong!

How to get out!

Firstly the victim needs to recognize that the situation they are in is bad, and they must want to get out. If you are a friend or family you can tell them as much as you want to get out, but until they are ready to accept how bad their situation is, they won't listen. Most importantly let them know that you are there for them, so when they do build the courage to walk away, they know help is close by.

If you are the person in the abusive relationship then understand that no-one has the right to treat you this way. There are many people out there that can help you! When you walk away, don't look back! The abuser will tell you how they've changed and promise to never hurt you again, but the question is this, "Why did they hurt you to begin with?". If someone really loves you, the last thing they should want to do to you is cause you any type of physical or mental pain.

Love yourself enough to choose you, not them!

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