When the woman I had loved so deeply for over 8 years decided that she wanted a new life, a train of devastation impaled me on the tracks of life. As a man over 50, I found myself alone asking a library of questions about life, love and dreams.
It was not the first time I had been railroaded out of love. Each time, although I had never recognized it, the recovery had begun the moment after the break up. This time, I knew the recovery had begun, but it didn't feel any better. Had I learned anything from the past? Yes - and no.
What I had not learned was that the pain had become amplified, the cumulative effects of all the breakups put together. What I began to learn was that the recovery would have to be achieved through a new process. It was like an old injury, aggravated by the frequency of several impacts over time.
So, how was I going to recover knowing there is no easy way to resurrect happiness after devastation? It is not a quick process, of course. A heart can't be rebooted like a computer, wiping recent history out of the cache. For some of us, faith can bring healing. For others, friends in need are, indeed, a source of purging. If we are creative, we can write our thoughts down, cleansing the emotional wounds and looking at the reflection of our experience exposed through the permanence of words, inspiring a new view.
And so, meek as this writer is when it comes to love and the loss of it, I offer these few remedies with the hope that if you are caught in the vortex of rejection as I was, you might find a way back to the happy person you should be and once was.
1. There is someone out there for you. Believe in it. If you have had a few relationships, you can accept this as a truth of love and romance. No matter how hard things are now, there is someone out there walking a path that will converge with yours, bringing similar stories of lost love to share with you.
2. Keep breathing, eating and taking in the world. The more you ostracize yourself, the deeper you make your trap. New ideas will fuel your mind and emotions. Staying healthy will strengthen the process.
3. When you need to sleep, give your body, mind and soul permission to let go. Everytime I awoke from a sleep triggered by remorse, I felt a little different and a little better. The subconscious does amazing things when our eyes are closed. It will take care of you.
4. Change something about yourself. If you are a man with a beard, shave it off. If you are a woman with a beard, please shave it off.
5. Dig hard to find your sense of humor. Force yourself to find something that will inspire even the weakest of smirks. Where the spirit goes, thus follows the mind and heart.
6. Celebrate yourself. If you have even limited resources, go somewhere, regardless of how near or far the destination is. A change of venue will bring a change in attitude. Your reflections will become more objective.
7. Understand that doing nothing leads to nothing. The pain of a broken heart will not heal without the application of a healing solution.
8. Take long walks. The stimulation of life unfolding around you and the power of simply being human in the midst of all that will open your eyes anew. You may see another person walking, like you, and realize you are not alone.
9. Realize you are not alone. Reach out to family, friends and colleagues. They will respond because they know what you are feeling.
10. Find a photo of youself when you were less than 2 years of age. Put it in the a place where you will see it in the morning when you awake and at night when you go to bed. Every time you see it, softly repeat this mantra.
I will love you and take care of you because you are special. Your heart beats in mine. I know your heart is a happy one and I will do everything I can to find it again and give it the most wonderful hug filled with unyielding love. I will never abandon you as you have never abandoned me. And we will walk on together, forever, on the path of life's mysteries to find love together again.