by Jeremy Coy

Created on: November 11, 2008   Last Updated: December 13, 2008

As a stepfather of a 15 year old teenager, I have done everything wrong in trying to have a relationship with her. I would like to take this opportunity to share with anyone who is struggling with being a stepfather some advice so that you will not follow in my footsteps. First and foremost if you expect that you will walk right in to a father position because mom likes you please think again. A child will go along with mom however there will always be a bond that a child can only naturally have with a biological parent. I recommend that all parties involved sit down and talk. Communication with all parties is essential in establishing any relationship. Ask the child first, it is important that they feel that their voice is heard, and is not an afterthought. Ask them what they want from you as a new parent. It is also important at this time to let them know what things are important to you, that you will expect from them. This is a way of not surprising the child, they are going through enough change and do not need any additional surprises. After this is done ask mom what she expects from the new relationship. odds are good that if you are becoming a stepfather there was already a troubled relationship with one dad. Reassure your stepchild and your wife that you will do everything in your power to live up to their expectations and make sure that you practice what you preach.

Second, do not try to be the discipline in the home until you have a bond of trust and friendship with your stepchild. This will be very hard to do since as parents we want the best for our children, whether they are adopted or biological, however to a step child this looks like nothing more than someone making another decision for them, they had a life before you came along, and already may have some resentment toward you, since they didn't pick you mom did. When in doubt return to step one and communicate, remind them of first, what they want from you, and then second, what you want from them.

Third, do not get frustrated when the stepchild does not accept you. There will be times when as a parent we have to make decisions, and do not be surprised when a step child wants to defy a decision that you make. At some point in time you will hear "you are not my dad" do not let this come as a surprise to you, and do not get frustrated when it does. The last thing you will want to do is loose your cool when this happens. Your first reaction will be to say something stupid like, "well your dad

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