by Lyn Carrier

Created on: November 11, 2008   Last Updated: December 13, 2008

This is not only a tough question but something that could turn into quite a serious problem which could very well be detrimental to the health of one's marriage. It's also something that works both ways if the marriage is a relationship of equality. Good communication is hands down one of the most important things in a marriage, after all people aren't mind readers. It is certainly very frustrating when a partner doesn't listen and even more frustrating when you discover it's a choice not to listen.

The thing that affected me the most in the past when dealing with this issue was that I wasn't thinking, I was just getting angry. I wasn't thinking about the situation as a whole, or trying to figure out how it got that way, if there was a pattern shift that I didn't notice because the anger clouded my ability to think straight. The thing I realised which was so simple is to only start a conversation where there is no distraction at all, no music, no television, nothing.

A good thing to ask, which I ask my partner all the time is, "do you understand what I mean?". At first I asked him if it bothered him that I asked him this. He said no, as he would rather not just assume he knows what I mean and have it become a total misunderstanding which can and has lead to arguments in the past. It took us a while to get to that stage. Although we still have our debates, we still listen. We are all human and it's very easy to get defensive when we feel we are being wrongfully attacked, but nine times out of ten, I don't think people actually listen. Their defenses go up straight away and they are almost incapable of listening with an open mind. I found that when I got off my high horse and actually listened, what he was saying wasn't actually a put down but more of an observation which I ended up totally agreeing with.

Find out from your partner if he or she feels that there has been a shift in the relationship. Ask them how they feel, because regardless of how frustrated you are at them, how they feel is still important, and by you asking that, it shows them that how they feel is important to you too. Open and honest communication and listening is vital to a marriage, so reminding them of how they cared enough to listen in the past, it is just as important now and in the future. If there isnt that level of communication, things will go unsaid and frustrations will build and problems will get worse. Reminding them of what is at stake, may help to open their eyes. Some may see this as some kind of ultimatum but far from it. It's a reality check more than anything.

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