by Bonnie Moss

Created on: November 11, 2008

Feel the healing energy of the sun all around you,
feel the grounding of the earth when you putter in your garden,
cry when you need to, sleep when you can,
eat when you're hungry.
It is hard to dance alone when you had a partner
who cherished you like Eric did.
Only love prevails.... Cheryl

Into the third month since I said my last farewell, try as I may, I could not write anything about Eric without tears rolling down my cheeks and burst into a crying fit. My pain was so deep; I knew that part of me died with him. Emptiness engulfed me.

I had no idea I'd feel so lost and disoriented without him.I took pride in being a strong person. I managed to keep my wits taking care of him, knowing that the end was near.

We talked about death and dying- I was aware of his fear of his mortality. We spent many restless nights as his will to live kept him going. We managed to review his life. I had him focus on the blessings that came his way; and the difference he made in other people's lives in his lifetime. We talked about the good times, for we shared many.

There was the topic of forgiveness. I promised myself that he will not depart from this life with heartaches and pain. Yes, he was able to find peace and love.

Excerpts : Dear Eric journal
My journal is a most important tool. I allow myself to talk to Eric. It gives me comfort that I can express my deepest thoughts and love.

March 26, 2008

Dear one.
The nights are very quiet and empty and very long. I feel lost, disoriented and totally disorganized. I need all the help to move on.
Now I know it was I who was not ready to let you go. Life is empty. I don't know what to do. I know you are watching over me. Thank you. Sometimes, the darkness of the night scares me.

March 28,2008

I think of you and dream of you day and night. It is of great comfort to me that I can talk to you- even though I know you probably don't hear me or much less see me.

It's almost a month since you left me. I am very sorry for the times that I got angry and impatient. I can not say I'm sorry enough. I can not justify my actions.

However, know that it was because I loved you so much that I was able to look after you to the best of my ability, mental and otherwise. I did get tired and frustrated many times. Lack of sleep did not help.

Life goes on. I miss you so much- your comforting presence, your wisdom and patience and most importantly, your love. I miss hearing your voice when I come home from my errands. Eating my meals alone feels so sad. Nights are at times unbearable, I have too many sleepless nights.

Dear one, know you are very much a part of my life, day and night. I will always love you, cherish the life we had together. Have your peace, my love.

EIGHT MONTHS LATER.
Nov 6,2008
I walk alone.
I went to see our doctor. He is concerned that I may be coming down with clinical depression. He stressed that this is not what you
want for me. So, I must move on. Days are going by fast. This month has been unusually warm. I do not cry as much anymore. I woke up one morning and realized that I have to get used to living the rest of my life alone, without you. I am sad and lonely, nights are always too long, getting up in the morning is too quiet. I miss you so when I sip my first cup of coffee in the morning. No, I have not had coffee in bed. There are pleasant memories of our endless coffee in bed. Sitting outside enjoying the beauty of Nature around me brings back a flood of wonderful memories.

You left me with years of love and pleasant memories, amid some conflicts. We did have our own.

I pray that you are peaceful where you are. You are always in my prayers, in my heart and in my thoughts. I think of you as I rake the leaves on a beautiful autumn day.

This is a new beginning as I walk alone.

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