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When we think of communication, we may think of talking or even writing. It is true that we use the phrase "We need to talk" when we really mean "We need to communicate". However, on the days when our mental cup runs over, we may reflect on the non-verbal aspect of the communication process, sharing or the listening that is involved.

To understand how one thing is different from another, it is important to examine the relationship between them. Talking is merely one aspect of the entire communication process. This suggests that if you're talking to someone, you may not be communicating. After all, you can still talk to someone who only understands a foreign language or who, for myriad reasons, has difficulty understanding you.

In the context of a relationship, the gap between talking and communicating is even wider. Being a couple means sharing. For a couple to communicate, they must share the more intimate sides of themselves. Talking is unilateral, whereas couple communication is bi-lateral. While talking is one way of facilitating meaningful dialogue in a relationship, it is only effective once the communication process occurs in the right context (and when feedback is received particularly).

Talking and communicating in a relationship differ in the following ways:

1) Couple communication transcends superficial conversation: You can talk about the weather, sports or even the kids. In essence you're sharing one dimension of yourself. Communication in a relationship is bi-lateral and sometimes involves our innermost thoughts and feelings. A couple has to engage in more than the "small talk" that is effective when addressing strangers. The messages exchanged must be sent properly, received well and clarified.

2) Talking does not have to involve active listening and demonstrations of caring: When couples communicate, it is supposed to occur in good faith. Talking doesn't necessarily need to occur in such a context. Two people can talk for hours with each feeling that the other isn't listening or trying to understand them, their ideas or their feelings. Communication involves not only listening, but showing your partner that you are listening as well. Your partner must feel validated, understood and supported

3) Couple communication is a skill: In the same way anyone can have an opinion, anyone without speech impairment is able to talk. However, communication is a skill that is acquired and mastered. Why? To communicate properly we have to exercise more control in how we respond to our partner and what we say to them. We must control our impulses, particular in tense situations or conflict.

Our natural tendency (due to intellectual laziness sometimes) is to use phrases like "You always" or "You never". Communication teaches us that it is better to start with the "I", avoid accusations or accusatory tones and to not be afraid to ask for clarification. Communication imbues us with the confidence and fortitude to address touchy issues that the average talker might shy away from.

There is sometimes a thin line between talking and communicate. Maybe one person is venting or otherwise dominating the conversation. Communication can occur once those situations occur in the context of sharing, understanding and mutual respect. Otherwise, it'd be a case of lecturing to your partner or talking down to them.

Learn more about this author, Darrell Victor.
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