by Arcadia Hudson

Created on: November 09, 2008

I Know We're Cool

Nathan held my hand like someone would hold a bar of soap: loosely as if he was losing his grip, but wanting to hold on at the same time. That was how he held my hand last night at the party. With one hand laying in his light grasp, I used the other to wave at my friends as they came up to me. Well, when I'm holding Nathan's hand, it's no longer just me they're saying hello to. They're saying hello to me and Nathanus. As if we're Siamese twins joined at the pelvis. Or more specifically, joined at the fingers.

I decided to hold this little private party at my apartment for a few of my friends and a few of Nathan's friends. It was nothing major; simply a little get together where everyone had some little chips to eat, a little beer to drink, and a little jazz music in the background. It was little. The sound of the saxophone synchronized with the light conversation and laughter. As hostess, I was relieved that everyone was having a good time and that Nathan and I were able to walk around hand and hand in order to say something to everyone.

Yvette, my best friend and a graduate student, smiled warmly when she saw us. "Oh, you two are still together! How sweet."

She has a gummy smile. A smile that goes beyond her teeth, as if showing them alone isn't enough.

"Well, we're in love," I said, looking up at Nathan, making my brown eyes as big and starry as I could. He grinned dryly, his eyes averting to the floor. His face failed to make the most of his good looks.

"Excuse me," he said. "I'm a little tired. Rough day."

Yvette gave a single nod of her head, as if she understood, but I couldn't ignore the tiny twist that worked its way into the corners of her lips.

"Uh, yeah. I'm going to go talk to Marcus ."

When she left us, Nathan's hand got looser, and I began to feel uncomfortable. Something wasn't right about standing onthe rug in the middle of the room, conjoined to someone else, while everyone talked around me. Maybe this is how the sun feels being stuck in the middle for billions of years with everything else rotating around it.

The hairs on the back of my neck bristled as Nathan took out his cellphone and began checking it.

"Um-" I grabbed his arm with my free hand. "Let's go sit somewhere."

We sat on the couch with pictures of my friends decorating the wall behind us. Pictures of friends are all over my apartment, and it's nice having the feeling that they're constantly close by and watching over me as I watch T.V., cook up some zucchini soup,

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