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only in a loud whisper.
Take what you're reading very seriously, especially if you're reading the tax forms. Dramatize it as if you are reading Shakespeare, but keep it in a whisper.

Mimic another patron.
Follow nearby and use your peripheral vision to watch someone else. As they reach for a book, you reach for a book. If they squat down to the lower shelf, do the same. If they walk to the end of the aisle and go around the shelf, go down the opposite end onto the next aisle. Don't ever look at them directly. Follow them the entire time they are in the library.

Take another patron's books.
Not the books out of someone's hand, but the books they return to the shelf. If they pull a book off the shelf, look at it, and then put it back, this is a perfect opportunity for you to snatch it at a supersonic speed. Declare "YES!" in a loud whisper and walk off. Come back a few minutes later and repeat this same action every time they put a book back on the shelf.

The emergency phone call.
Take your phone out and whisper loudly "I'm in the library." Allow a fake conversation to take place where something terrible is happening to someone you know. Say phrases like: "What?" "You're kidding me?" "Oh my God!" "Are you going to the emergency room?" "Your entire leg?" "Are you serious?" "Sorry man, I can't help you right now. I'm reading." Whisper all of this, but it's sure to grab the attention of some people and is sure to disturb others. A few minutes later, act like your phone is ringing on vibrate, look at and answer in an aggravated tone "What is it man?" Then continue the conversation as if someone needs your help and you're refusing because you're reading.

Make noises with writing instruments.
Click your pen or tap your pencil on the table. Start lightly at first then build up to a consistent non-stop beat. Then start humming with the beat. Hum a song that most people know such as "This is the song that never ends." They will have it in their heads all day.

Go to the audio section.
Pick up an audio cassette book and then go to a book aisle. Tap the audio cassette case on your leg. Act like you're browsing for a book. Tap some more. Follow patrons and tap your leg harder.

As you practice and use these annoying tactics in your local library, you'll find which ones work better than others. You'll also gain a sense of what kinds of people are easier to annoy than others. You'll be able to tell when people are getting really annoyed. Have fun!

Learn more about this author, Wendy Brock.
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