by Robin Wilder

Created on: November 08, 2008

"It's me or the alcohol," he said loudly. He was noticeably shaken, but clearly meant the words he had spoken. I looked at him as if he had just asked me to kill myself. I stared silently at him for awhile. I really loved him and I was going to miss him dearly, I thought, as I took another swig of my beer. He was also a drinker, but because he didn't get DUI's or not come home or end up in jail, he thought he was so much better. He left, slamming the door and I kept drinking. I'll show him, I thought. I don't need him. All I need is another drink.

Alcohol was my first and only true love since my first drink at thirteen, or so I thought. It took away self doubt and my paralyzing shyness. It gave me courage and social acceptance. I was the life of the party unless I drank way too much, then I became the nightmare of the party. I believe alcoholism is hereditary and I have plenty of alcoholic kin. Being molested at eight by my step grandfather didn't help matters either, but in the end I have a choice. Unfortunately I've always chosen the easy way; Drinking. The funny thing is, it's actually been the harder way. If I would deal with my inner demons then it would be me, myself and I going through it and eventually I would triumph. But instead I decided to drag every person who loves me into my dark and sick world to suffer right along with me.

To this day, although I don't drive under the influence anymore or go to jail or not come home, I still choose the harder path. I don't drink like I used to, but it is still and may always be my first choice medicine. I've gone to rehab a few times with short periods of sobriety, but I can't make it stick. Okay, I can, but I don't. Why bring out those bad feelings when I can drink them away? Since I stopped getting in trouble with the law and I've cut my drinking down enough, so that my husband doesn't bitch as much, the only reason I have left to quit is my health and my soul. Still, that is not enough. People always say, JUST STOP. To that I say, "WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT! You dumb ass."

The longer you practice bad behavior, the harder it is to conquer. With that said, if you actually try to change bad behavior, it isn't that hard to conquer, or at least I've been told. I have no excuse and lot's of regrets. Once I turned eighteen and knew my choices, it became my cross to bear. Unfortunately I ignored that till a few years ago. It is easier to abuse myself when I can blame someone else.I would like to think that after ten years with him, if my husband said, "It's me or the alcohol," I would say, "I choose you." I'm just not sure if I'd be talking to him or my drink...

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