by Cordelia Riordan

Created on: November 08, 2008

I don't specifically remember the first time I harmed myself. I must have been extremely young, because I was a trichotillomaniac by the time I was seven. For those who don't know, trichotillomania is the condition of compulsively pulling out hair - for me at that young age, it was my eyelashes and eyebrows. I stopped that, for the most part, around the age of thirteen - visibly anyway. I still pull my arm hair.

When I was thirteen, I was hospitalized for depression and suicide ideation. I was only there for a nigh and a day when I begged my grandfather to discharge me early. However, I'd learned something that crawled through my mind with allure: cutting.

I don't even remember the first time I cut myself. I just know that once I'd started, it became like a drug. I'd long to cut myself, so I would, and then I'd feel guilty and hate myself even more. What was probably worse was that sometimes I didn't loathe myself afterward - sometimes I'd feel a warped sense of pride, like I'd created a lovely work of art.

I cut for many reasons, some of which I'm still discovering. Control was a big part of it. I felt like I had absolutely no control over my life, so cutting was a "good way" to control something, anything in my life. Anger was another reason. For my whole life, I've internalized my anger and taken it out on myself - cutting myself was simply a physical way to express that. I didn't have to worry about the possibility of harming anyone else through cruel words or worse when I was only harming myself, I thought. There were plenty of other reasons, some that were fleeting and some that are too personal to explain to the world.

However, the two things that I never cut for were attention and fashion. Those, unfortunately, seem to be the publicly accepted "answers" and mindset for the question of: "Why would anyone deliberately hurt themselves?" The true answer to that question is so long and extensive to each self-injurer that I can't answer for anyone but myself. However, to me, it never hurt. Sure, there was a small sting and a tingle but never physical pain.

Self-harm is a very serious coping mechanism that people first turn to in distress and desperation. It is a powerful addiction that is just as difficult to overcome as alcoholism or drug addiction, maybe more so. This is because the truth is: in the end, you're fighting yourself, and there are constant physical reminders of your inner demons for the world to see in the form of white or red scars that will never go away.

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