by Anna Casey

Created on: November 06, 2008

The relationship between parents and children, brothers and sisters, is always complicated and filled with unforeseen landmines that need to be avoided, or as is often the case, dealt with after destruction ensues. When thinking about my relationship with my own parents and my brother and sister, and now making choices about my relationship with my children and watching how they interact with each other, I am reminded of the movie "Legends of the Fall."

That movie is about three adult sons and their widowed father during World War I. The oldest son always acted in a way that he believed was expected of him, was always eager to please, and ultimately, it was taken for granted that he would be the responsible one. The middle son was the free spirit who, similar to the prodigal son, is always welcomed home with open arms, no matter how long he disappears for or what his transgressions are. The youngest son is the baby, whom everyone feels they need to care for, but who ultimately cannot be saved from his need to make his own decisions and be his own man.

This family scheme reminds me very much of my own relationship with my mother and father, who always have, and continue to, expect me to do the right thing and be responsible for everyone. Ultimately I meet their increasing expectations, with little recognition or reward for acting as I am expected to. All the while, my sister, the middle child and the prodigal daughter, is always in need of something. Whether it is emotional support, financial assistance or a place to drop her children, she is always welcomed home with open arms, along with a shoulder to cry on, a check and a babysitter for her kids. My brother, the baby of the family is also the only son, whom everyone takes care of. When he needed a lawyer, I fit his closing into my crazy schedule; when he needed his taxes done, my sister did them; and when he needed a down payment for a house, my parents were there with a check.

As an adult, with two daughters and son of my own, I have spent significant time considering the family I grew up in and wondering how I can avoid making some of the same mistakes that my parents made. I truly want to treat my children the same, having the same expectations for each with the same rewards. But as I get older and I am watching my children grow and develop their own personalities, I am realizing that it is impossible to treat them all the same. My mother once told me that while parents love all of their children equally,

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