by Jayden Harlow

Created on: November 04, 2008

When it comes to flying, I'm definitely in synch with the B.A. Baracus school of thought. (You younger folks can look him up on IMDB.com.) All things being equal, I'd definitely rather go by train or boat. That said, even I have to admit that 36 hours to get from Edinburgh to Barcelona (Don't mock me I only looked it up; I didn't actually book the train/ferry combo.) doesn't make good time management sense, so, from time to time, I have to get on a plane. Actually, at anywhere between five and ten flights a year, I'm probably what you'd call a semi-pro airline traveller: somewhere in the healthy midrange between that poor soul who criss-crosses the country weekly and the retired couple who are boarding a plane for the first time since their honeymoon. In my experience, barring some freak weather pattern, the difference between a relatively painless trip and hours of teeth-clenching misery is usually the people. Here are a few people with the power to turn friendly skies foul. See if you recognize any of them.

1. The "professional" traveller. He's the airborne equivalent of that guy who occupies the last barstool on the end at your favourite bar, sneering at all the "tourists" who stop in for a drink. The "professional" wants you to think that he's entitled to special treatment because he's flying for business rather than pleasure. Don't be fooled by his act. My uncle used to fly almost daily for business, and he racked up more than a million frequent flier miles at one point. If this guy in the seat behind you travelled as much as he claims, well, he wouldn't be in the seat behind you because he'd have the points to upgrade to first class. So don't let him bully you into sitting bolt upright for eight hours so that he can open his laptop screen all the way. Tell him to get a Netbook or wait until he lands. Oh, and don't take his guff about how "he" supports the airline industry with all his regular flights. Tourists do their share to keep United and its ilk in business so don't let Mr. "Professional" make you feel like a second class citizen.

2. The "lifeguard." You'll recognize this member of the cabin crew the moment you see her. She has one job and one job only: to ensure the safety of your fellow passengers. She partied for a week when the federal government passed all those stringent safety guidelines because it meant she could stop pretending to be nice to all those annoying "travellers" who keep insisting on boarding her planes. No joke: I once flew for

• 1
• 2
• 3
• Next Page >>