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We've all been in that situation. A friend starts to sing along with the radio. In a pathetic display of tone-deafness, she is off pitch and out of key. You encourage yourself with thoughts like, 'Maybe she hit one or two notes in that song.' (But in your heart, you know that she probably didn't even hit those two notes.) You're tempted to reveal to your friend that she has no talent. Wait though. Stop and ask yourself: Did this friend ask for your opinion? Is she looking for a personal Simon Cowell?

If your input was not solicited, then it's generally best not to weigh in. Some people feel the need to express their every thought or opinion because it's "honest." But who likes hearing unnecessary, irrelevant criticisms from so-called friends? Dish out too much "honesty," and you're likely to hear replies like, "Well, who asked you anyway?" (Or, you'll hear the sound of slamming doors as friends stomp off.) Friends are supposed to support and uplift one another - not put each other down.

Of course, there may be some exceptions. Perhaps you're a master painter, and your unskilled, amateur painter friend is throwing his life savings into opening a studio to showcase his artwork. Well, then, as both a friend and an expert in the arts, you have enough cred to offer unsolicited advice - namely, that your friend invest his money into a few more art classes before opening that studio. Even then, you are a friend first and foremost, and it's a good idea to speak kindly and carefully. No one likes a dream-squasher.

If your vocally-challenged friend is only singing along with the radio, then big deal. She's having fun and doesn't need to be a bonafide songbird. If she tries to audition for "American Idol," on the other hand, maybe you can convey your uncertainty by emphasizing her other talents, disparaging the show's treatment of contestants, or changing the subject. You have to consider - Will you be doing your friend more harm than good with a critique? There's enough "can't do" attitude in the world already.

What's more, as individuals with subjective opinions, who are any of us to judge talents? There are countless examples of someone's talent going undeveloped or unrecognized. Then eventually, that person blows everyone out of the water. Michael Jordan didn't make his high school basketball team. Harrison Ford was a struggling carpenter for years before he finally made it big as an actor.

Some might argue that it's better to hear criticism from a friend than from, say, a boss, colleague, judge, or acquaintance. And there might be a grain of truth to that assertion. But friends walk a much finer line than impartial outisders. A boss, colleague, or judge can give a strategic analysis of talent based on expertise or knowledge. Friendship muddies up that critique. When you tell a friend that he has no shot at getting drafted by the Dallas Cowboys next year, it might be hard for him not to take it a little personally. After all, you're supposed to be a pal. Even if it's true, put-downs can feel harsher when coming from friends. (Again, maybe when your friend tries to get in on the Cowboys' training camp, then you can run interference and suggest he find a different career path. For now though, smile at his foibles and move on. )

You may think you are doing friends a favor by informing them they are talentless flops. But they are unlikely to see it that way, and, in nine cases out of ten, you'll likely just end up losing friends. If you do feel a sincere need to tell someone that he or she doesn't possess certain skills, remember to speak from a perspective of care and concern. A kind, well-crafted critique will be more effective than a careless insult.

Learn more about this author, C. Elliot.
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