by A. Jill Gaebel

Created on: November 04, 2008

I will NEVER marry again!

2008

"I will never marry again!" Lord save me from ever again having to have that statement flung defiantly at me by someone who somehow seems to think that I, and all other women, am the embodiment of his failed marriage(s).

My first response to this (I've experienced this more than once) is to point out that I hadn't yet proposed, nor had I any intention of proposing.

My next response is to ask if I am to be held responsible for the actions of any and all previous women in his life and to be punished for his marital misjudgments.

My feelings about marriage are made somewhat contradictory in the face of such reticence and by the assumption that marriage to me has to be ruled out because of his bad choices and the behavior of his exes. Am I wrong to be insulted by this and to argue the point that such a declaration is not only offensive, but hurtful?

I don't think the certificate that society, religion, and a mother require for legality and respectability signifies, in reality, marriage. That's a piece of paper. The marriage is the love and commitment that two people feel for one another along with their willingness to plan a lifetime together. That said, I personally like the idea of the ceremony and the public statement of that commitment and love. I'm not talking about caterers and a diamond studded wedding gown. My wedding to my late husband was outside our Missouri Ozarks wooded home with only close friends and family in attendance. It was an intimate and sweet ceremony of love shared with those we most cared for.

My question is, if there is love and trust, why must marriage be such an issue for contention? If he loves me, if he wants to spend his life with me, what's the big deal about a ceremony and a piece of paper? Why wouldn't he want to insure that I have the right to sit on the front row with his family at his possible funeral? Why wouldn't he want to insure that I have the right to draw on his social security or pension as his widow? Why wouldn't he want me to be able to make needed decisions and sign what is necessary in a medical emergency? I want that for him regardless of what problems I experienced with my exes. I recognize that he is not my exes.

So, I'm wondering, would a man with such a horror of marriage be willing to have the ceremony, the ritual and declaration, without the paperwork? Is it the paperwork that is the problem? The legalities? Or is it merely emotional and a lack of trust?

You see what happens with me. I'm doing fine with the status quo until I hear, "I will NEVER marry again!"

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