by Susan Kliebenstein

Created on: November 03, 2008   Last Updated: May 16, 2011

There are many facets to the problem of dealing with death. From the anticipation of death, to the physical process of dying, to the grief of loved ones left behind, it all seems quite unpleasant. And yet it is a universal part of life. No one gets away from it. Everyone will die. Perhaps it's time to face these issues with a more positive attitude.

As one becomes elderly, or chronically, seriously ill we may have a tendency to think more about death, but shy away from talking about it. That makes for an uncomfortable barrier in our conversations and thereby interrupts our relationships. If grandma wants to talk about, "when I'm gone," others my even try to censor her with an off handed, "Don't talk like that! You're going to be around for years!" If a sister with cancer wants to plan for her funeral and talk frankly with her children about her pending demise, the atmosphere becomes so heavy that the children are likely to be too frightened to ask the questions they might normally want to ask. The death of a family member becomes like the elephant at the dinner table. Everyone sees it, but no one feels free to let on that he knows it is there.

So the first thing we can do to begin to deal in a more positive way is to speak honestly of death. Answer the children's questions. Verbalize your own questions. Express your concerns about how you will cope with the loss, and try not to cut your loved one off when they want to talk about dying and the aftermath for the family. Tears will come when you think about a future without your loved one, but they are an honest expression of love. Don't stuff them away. Express your love as openly as you can.

Another thing you can do is to get the information you need in order to anticipate the changes. Normally the deterioration of health is a very slow process, but now the decline will become more rapid and pronounced. What is the prognosis? Will your sister be able to care for the baby for a few more months or do you need to get help for her now? Can granny live at home for a few more weeks with some help, or does she need to be in a hospice or nursing home environment? Can George still drive or is it dangerous for him to be driving?

Beyond that are the physical realities of treatment. Do you let others know that you have an infusaport, a breast prosthesis, a feeding tube, or a colostomy? And do you tell them you need to take a mid-morning, and a mid-afternoon nap? Or do you over-extend your energies and suffer for it later?

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