by Mona Alexondra

Created on: November 03, 2008

Finding Home: an Essay in Happiness

Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing in following my desires. Wanting something so bad that I would walk away from everything I know, to live a life that I have no real experience in. My heart tells me yes so I keep moving forward, following this path, because at the end of the path is the home where I know I truly belong.

My journey on this path began twenty years ago. Through an upbringing where nothing was taboo and society where anything outside of the norm was, I had a desire for something more. What that something was, I wasn't sure, but I would spend the next several years of my life figuring that out.

I got married a few years after I graduated high school to a man that treated me as though I didn't exist. To say I spent a lot of my days alone was an understatement. I'm actually surprised that I had a child out of that union. When I wasn't alone, I was with my best friend. My husband would call him in North Carolina to ask him to come home and spend time with me. I also spent time with my son.

My son was the light of my life. If it weren't for him, I would have been totally lost. I occupied our days with shopping, playing together, and hiking around town to keep my mind off of how unhappy I was at home. At night when his father was home, I worked. It was more a means to keep me out of the house than to make any money and it helped.

I hated my life. I hated being married to my husband and I hated going home when he was there. After work I would stay overnight at a girlfriends house until it was time for him to go to work. On the weekends there was my best friend and my son.

Among my husband's many negative traits, the part of him that irritated me the most was that he was weak. He was very much an "okay honey" man. To this day, I could swear to you that if I had cheated on him while he was watching, then turned around and said I didn't do anything wrong, he would have believed me. If I wanted something, anything, no matter how outlandish it was, I got it. Our marriage lasted for two years before I got bored with the lack of control he exerted and refused to continue to live a life where I was not happy.

I knew in my heart that I wanted a man that I could give my all and serve as a man should be served. My now ex-husband was not that man. He could not fulfill the desire that I had to give him every ounce of my being to control. I wanted a man who could tell me no and not fall to his knees before me to give me

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