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For the sake of the planet, we must eat the pandas!

In the interest of environmental preservation I have deduced by the process of logic guided by experience a better way to protect endangered species. The solution to this problem, as is the solution for so many problems, is capitalism.

Ask yourself why cows, pigs, sheep, goats, dogs, cats, and other domesticated livestock and pets never become endangered. The answer is supply and demand. There is a huge demand for beef, pork and lamb. People love to have cats and dogs for pets so there is a huge demand for them as well.

Whenever there is a demand for something, someone will always go into business to meet that demand and profit from it. As long as people love steak, there will always be cattle farmers.

There are two problems with endangered species. One is that there is no demand for them. Two is that the only people protecting them are whiny liberal hippie stoners that complain about everything but don't actually do anything.

There is nothing wrong with smoking a little weed, hanging out with your friends, and having happy thoughts about nature and how we should all be at one with the universe and sing, dance, and make love together, but happy thoughts won't save the whales.

I say we create a demand for all endangered species. If the demand goes up, private industry will step in and begin raising, farming, and breeding these animals to meet that demand and we will never have to worry about any animal becoming extinct or endangered ever again.

Friends, it's time to eat the pandas. It's time to make and buy panda coats, panda pot roast, spotted owl hats, whale steak, big horn sheep rack candle holders, red wolf scrotum change purses, baboon bacon, Mongolian beaver bisque, chimp chip party mix, hooded crane casserole, and my personal favorite, sauted dugong.

Do this, and watch how fast private industry jumps on the opportunity. They will have genetic scientists finding better and more efficient ways to breed these animals. They will do marketing research to open a global market. They will have vets loading freezers with embryos and will build farms to raise these animals by the thousands. No species will ever go endangered again, but we have to stop depending on hippies to save them.

We all know you can't depend on a hippie to change his socks, much less change the world, so it is up to us, the people of the world who have a working brain, to solve these problems with a tried and true solution.

My friends, it's time to eat the pandas.

Learn more about this author, Martin Kaine.
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