by Anna Suranyi

Created on: November 01, 2008   Last Updated: November 08, 2008

Each child and parent-child relationship is so different; what works for one may not work for another. The key is to know and respect your child, and build a relationship with mutual respect long before the teen years. For one of my daughters I found a way that was fun, and it made a lasting impression on my daughter and our relationship. The key is that every person wants to feel respected and loved. The ways to achieve that are of course as vast as the human race.

When my daughter was fourteen, I noticed that her room had become a dumping ground-dump and go. She wasn't spending time in the room, enjoying it, as she had in the past. She talked about re-doing it but didn't seem to have a clear idea of what she wanted. I spent the next few months listening and making mental notes about how her taste had changed. Friends, and fun times with those friends were her focal point. She had pictures galore-goofy, fun and vibrant. That's what I knew she was all about and her room just didn't reflect the young woman she was becoming...the young woman who was a loyal friend, on the run and so much fun. So, as I said, I listened and an idea began to form in my mind. If we were at the store I would make a point of stopping at the paint section, feigning interest in painting some room in our house. Inevitably she would begin to look at colors she would like for her room. I'd casually move on, but tuck away the paint card. It was also helpful to turn on a show related to redecorating. There are so many on TV that are fun and modern. Sara was always easily pulled into watching if I turned it on. We'd talk and laugh when the contents of someone's house were put on their front lawn to be sorted and organized into piles of "Keep," "Sell" and "Trash."

When my opportunity came along, I was ready. Sara left for a week long retreat with her youth group and I decided to make my move. I completely emptied her bedroom, being respectful not to go through her papers and things. I cleaned the room and painted it. I began putting things back in; I bought matching containers-one for school papers, one for personal papers, etc.-creating some structure so that she would see I had not gone through her things but respected her privacy while organizing. Later, she could sit and decide the dispensation of her notes from friends, ticket stubs from movies, etc. I framed pictures of her and her friends-choosing the goofier expressions, only the very best and most fun, framed in modern frames or ones I decorated to fit the theme on the picture (beach, campfire, etc.). In the months prior, I picked up unique frames that caught my eye. I added a large white board with markers, sheers for the windows and made a kit for her to personalize the sheers. The kit contained stamps in different designs and some left over wall paint-an easy project that would be quick and fun, allowing her to add her own unique flare to the room. A new bedspread set she had admired, and didn't know I purchased, was the finishing touch.

I couldn't wait for her to get home and see her new space. I finished the project by making a poster for the door that said: "While You Were Out" your room had a "Makeover Home Edition" and now I wish I was "Trading Spaces!" When she opened the door, the squeal of delight told me I hit a homerun. She had been overwhelmed and discouraged by what was a dumping ground, and she came home to a fresh and fun room that fit her style and was done with respect for her things, and who she was becoming. No longer was her room a place to change her clothes and sleep. It was once again a space she enjoyed and spent time in. The room fit her personality and was a reminder to her that she was loved, listened to and respected.

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