by Rosemary Redfern

Created on: November 01, 2008

Divorce is a painful process for everyone concerned. Whether fathers should have equal custody afterwards depends on the reasons for the divorce and the relationships of the parents with their children. There cannot be a blanket answer because each family is different.

Many men suffer greatly because they have no access to their children after divorce and others are glad to be relieved of the burden.

Becoming a parent is an complex business for which few have any preparation. If either parent has difficulties of their own with relationships, becoming responsible for a child can compound these problems and become overwhelming.

This is a complicated question because it is about relationships. Relationships of blood ties carry connotations which are not easily disentangled. Pride, face, love, family expectations, pressure from grandparents and relatives and self image are all involved here.

Parents of both sexes need to have support emotionally as well as financially.

Children thrive if they have the attention of both parents but the relationship has to be a positive one with both mother, and or father. for the children not to carry the wounds of the separation. Children have a tendency to blame themselves for things that go wrong in the family because they do not understand the complexities of adult relationships yet. In divorce they can also struggle with divided loyalties especially if either parent slags off the other.

While generally mothers carry the brunt of child rearing, they are sometimes not the best person to deal with the day to day care of the children. Being a woman does not automatically confer the knowledge of how to parent. Some children prefer to live with their fathers because he provides the nurture they need.

The basic needs of children go beyond keeping them fed and clean. To thrive they need a feeling that they are loved and that means time spent with them that is not just a baby sitting exercise but something that nourishes them. Just sitting together and talking, regardless of age, lets them know they are seen as a person in their own right. They also need the boundaries of security and what is, and what is not, acceptable behaviour on their part, in place. They need to see their parents adhering to those rules too.

The development of the nuclear family has made many individuals isolated and without the backing that those who live in complex family communities have. I don't mean here that they all live in the same house but nearby. If there are problems in a nuclear family there is no one to let off steam to, no one to give a balanced view. Few individuals go through life without, at some time, needing to discuss some heavy issues with someone safe. Perhaps the family is not the best place to go.

Whether fathers should have equal custody depends on the individuals and their children.

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