by Mary Ann Neber

Created on: October 31, 2008

"You never listen to what I say", said the angry woman to her boyfriend. That is her first mistake in communicating her pain to her significant other. "You never" or "You always" are words that make your listener even more angry. It Makes a wall go up and communication ceases!

As a teacher, I received extensive training in conflict resolution and it has become a part of me in all areas of my life. It helped me with a teenage daughter, feisty parents, agitated colleagues, difficult bosses and sensitive family members. It is an effective way of communicating your feelings to another person in a non threatening manner. It brings an "I win - you win" feeling to the conversation and opens the lines of communication.

By placing the owness of the problem on yourself the communication can begin. For example, if you would like your teenage son to take out the trash, you should not begin, "You never take out the trash." As previously mentioned, this type of non communication will get your son defensive before you can utter another word. In conflict resolution, you would say, "I feel upset when you do not take out the trash because it feels like you do not want to help me out." You have presented your problem with an "I message" which says to the teenager that it is your problem and he is more willing to listen. The lines of communication have begun. The "I message" should always express how you feel. Sometimes this is all you need to open the lines of communication. If your son has reasons for not taking out the trash, you may need to go to the next step, which I call brainstorming.

When you brainstorm, you are trying to solve a problem based on your needs as well as your son's needs. For example, he has soccer practice on Monday, Tuesday he likes to watch his favorite show, Wednesday he is involved with the math club, etc. He should write down his list of problems while you write down your list of problems. Brainstorming is really another name for problem solving, but now any idea is accepted, nothing is too foolish, no one should make fun or devalue the other's idea. If things get a little silly , humor (a great tension breaker) will evolve. You might say that he should take the trash out at 5PM every day, you might also say that he should not complain when he takes out the garbage. He might say that you should take out the garbage or it should be placed on a chute out to the sidewalk.Yes, some ideas are crazy, but are accepted as ok.

Next, you evaluate, together , all the ideas. Sometimese these evaluations bring up other ideas which are more resonable.The silly ideas sometimes develop creativity in problem solving. Now you come to an agreement of some kind where you both feel you have come to a "win-win" agreement. You write down your agreement and both sign it. Keep it in a placde where you can refer to it if someone breaks the agreement. If that occurred you would start the process again with the "I message".

These methods really work. I used it with my teenage daughter when she was angry about my divorce. It helped my team develop a whole grade level activity which prepared students for an important test while enabling them to have some fun. (This came out of silly problem solving to an actual event that was planned. ) It seems simplistic, but it works. As they say, "Try it, you'll like it."

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