I feel as though sometimes I am the epitome of life, in a psychological sense, of course. I've been everywhere, done everything, and met everyone on this planet. Whether through television, smoke breaks, magazines, parties or school. I feel as though I've met them all. Inside an identical medium, I've seen Europe, tropical fish, life saving surgery, and a father cry. I've raced in the Daytona 500. I've held a hundred dollar bill like it was worth $1,000,000.
It's strange though. Here on March 25th, of 2006, I am writing to myself. On an even stranger note, this feels normal.
I've always been able to translate my feelings to paper. When I was young, it helped in the escape process. So for me, staring at this cursor, I ask myself; Are you trying to escape something now?
Before even attempting to answer that, I realize that I am not only writing to myself, but questioning the origin of the idea to do so.
I talk to people all day. I get advice from family, friends, and great leaders with inspirational catch phrases. If I am living with myself 24 hours a day, I have the right to give myself advice, even in a letter to myself that I am writing alone in the middle of the night. The architecture of that last sentence has completely racked my brain, but the point here is simple. I am taking the time to talk to myself, something I rarely do anymore. I am caught up in my problems and see them very clearly. I see the confusion, doubt, solutions, and ramifications of everything I do. However, with such a firm grip on the gravity of it all, I still have no idea how I feel about it.
With the ups and downs of life, I used to wade around somewhere in the middle. I would never feel one way or the other about anything.
When something extraordinary happened, I brushed it off and just felt lucky that I was around or a part of it.
On the opposing end, I handled heartbreak with optimism and "things will get better". Lately, however, it seems as though I either rise above the problems or let them trample me and live on. My comfort zone is gone. I'm neutral in every aspect of the word.
Well, every aspect but one. I do not feel neutrality in the derogatory sense. I still love my family and friends. I still have a dream. I still feel inspired by spring days and the chord progression of certain songs.
Neutrality is something brand new to me.
I can't comprehend or explain some of the things I'm going through, but I know I can overcome them and things will be better.
I'm 23. People my age have graduated college. I have dropped out twice. They are making tens of thousand's of dollars more than I do. They drive the nice cars'; go to Caribbean islands for vacation. They are the "adults", the ones that have it together right? Wrong. Anyone my age has technically been an adult for at least 5 years. Even the smartest, richest, most mature person on the planet will do something from time to time so irrational that an 8 year old would think twice about it. We have made our own decisions, promises, and mistakes. People will hate us, love us, and ignore us. Our names are on everything from a nameplate on the CEO's desk, to the shirt of a middle class mechanic, or to the receipt from a restaurants drive thru.
I am an adult. I think I realize that for a number of reasons. If I am trying to escape anything, it must be the neutral thing.
I'm not at all comfortable feeling neutral. It is a place I've never been but I mention things getting better. For the past couple months I didn't think anything could get better, and that was my problem. All of a sudden, a few paragraphs ago, I see a bit of optimism shine through. The only thing that saved me from these situations when I was a kid was that boyish optimism.
No, no, maybe I am not an adult and I'm ok with that.
"Adult" is just a word. A noun meaning "mature" or, "not a child", or something like that. A word you see on liquor bottles and strip clubs. On car rental applications and permission slips. That is mostly what they created the word for anyways, to separate people into age groups. I've seen that same 8 year old kid act more "adult" than our presidents the last ten years.
The word means nothing to me.
I am content, I am happy, a leader, a follower, a friend, a person, I am me. I may not have what I want, but if I truly need it or deserve it, it will come to me. I used to dream of millions, of my name in the record books, or my name being on that CEO nameplate. If it happens it happens but I'm not gonna kill myself if it doesn't. The mechanic, with his name on his shirt, he's my dad; One of the most influential people in my life, and my hero. He's had that job for 30 years. Sure, he wanted more, maybe his name on the side of a race car, or at least to be a mechanic behind the scenes making all that money. But he didn't, and so far has not complained about it.
He supported a wife, a family, and made me who I am.
Oh, and that drive thru receipt, my names on that. "3 bucks is your change, come back and see us".
I've had that job 3 years. I've been getting that same lousy check for 3 years.
I'm not living high and mighty by any means but it has fed me, clothed me, and introduced me to some truly wonderful people. In those 3 years I have never given up on them. They are like my family and in the course of all those lousy paychecks, every single one of those people would do anything for me, and vice versus. That is what it's about, and that is everything to me.
We can have our dreams, and if we work hard enough we can reach them. It's just that most of the time we are unsure of what those dreams are, and what we would sacrifice to live them. They can be as small getting a job in radio, or learning how to play the guitar to huge salaries and expensive cars. Not to take anything away from my parents, but if they had made it to the top and done everything they wanted to do as kids, then they might not have the son and daughter that they do. And I wouldn't be here to say anything about it.
All of this is food for thought, but in the mean time I remember that I am happy. I have everything I could ever need. I don't have to go Paris
to see the Eiffel Tower. I don't have to sit in Congress to know it's full of old guys and bullshit. And, I don't have to make a ton of money to be a cool guy and be loved by my friends. I give props to the people that do want that and go out there and get it done. I'm still figuring it all out and am content in doing so. So now I will fire up my X Box, and win the Daytona 500 for the ninth consecutive time.