by Linda Braymiller

Created on: October 30, 2008

SPANDEX IS NOT JUST ANOTHER PRETTY FACE

Do you know what depression is? It's that python that we all find ourselves shopping for, compress ourselves into by sucking in every last breath, and convince ourselves that spandex should be a privilege and a right!

I don't know about you but I just wonder what the fashion designer was thinking when they came up with this wonderful concoction that is supposed to redefine your curves and contour your body. Women everywhere of all shapes and sizes are to experience a visible difference when they wear this wonderful piece of material! But as I scrambled to force this solid inner tube up over my hips in a series of twists and turns, it finally came to eternal rest settling at my waist. When I looked in the mirror I decided I looked like a helium balloon that was about to explode. All someone needed to do was to tie a string around my neck and let me go and I would float about the sky.

I tried to adjust this garment that seemed to consume me but every time I bent one way to adjust it, other side went in the opposite direction. It was like wearing a straitjacket. It was starting to grow all over and was beginning to squeeze my neck and my ankles, not just my hips, thighs, and waist which is what it was primarily designed to do. This gave a whole new meaning to the word "youtube".

The sales lady came toward the dressing room and asked if I was decent. She peaked inside and said, "What seems to be the trouble?" By now my personality began to change as I tried to catch my breath. As I grabbed on to the wall for balance as I breathlessly replied," I can't feel my ankles and I think my tongue is beginning to swell." I'm suffering from incurable spandex!

The sales lady took one look and said, "I think it's terminal." "Look", I said, "If I don't get out of this thing now I could explode and it won't be a pretty sight." With that the sales lady rolled her eyes, briskly turned and marched away mumbling under her breath.

A little while later I emerged from the dressing room wearing the same gym suit and sneakers carrying the tiny spandex tube. I finally admitted to myself that spandex ranked right up there with girdles and I vowed as I clasped my palm to my breast that I would allow another woman to carry the torch of designer fashion. For me gym suits are here to stay! I prefer to be the Queen of the Fashionably Late!

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