by kieryn graham

Created on: October 30, 2008

Right there, big and bold, top of my file: "Moderate to severe bi-polar disorder with depression dominant." First thing a doctor or nurse learns about me, probably even before my name. "Bi-polar. Depression dominant."

That's my excuse. It's by far my favorite.

I consider my diagnosis the moral equivalent of begging your pardon when I pass gas; the polite equivalent of asking your permission to pass through a crowded space, the personal equivalent of blushing when I confess, "I'm so sorry; I have forgotten your name."

You see, I know better than anyone that, although my bi-polar accounts for just about everything, it absolves absolutely nothing.

Sooner or later, every girl's body betrays her. The mechanisms of self-control, the fiercely disciplined attitude about mind over matter, the "suck-it-up and deal with it" reaches the red-line long before my psychic engine tops-out. Bi-polar disorder tends to compromise the mechanisms of self-control; the mind and flesh feel more than willing, but the synaptic connection is broken. I have just enough ABS-brake to stop myself before I do something stupid, compulsive, or irresponsible. I have grown really really skilled at existential freeze-tag.

"Bi-polar. Depression dominant": Of course, it's my favorite excuse. If I worked it and milked it and exploited it and made it pathetic, I could use my diagnosis to justify, rationalize, account for, or mitigate just about anything. Of course, that magical-medical vaguely biochemical and very heavily meaning-laden diagnosis definitely counts as my favorite excuse. By no means do I believe, however, the diagnosis qualifies me for special consideration, unusual dispensation, or preferred parking.

My diagnosis does not double as a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. It's a biochemical disorder, not a license for lunacy.

"Bi-polar. Depression dominant" does NOT relieve me of responsibility for my choices and actions; I still accept full responsibility for all of their consequences.

In nearly 90% of cases, bi-polar disorder corresponds either with giftedness or exceptional creativity; and many researchers believe the so-called "disorder" actually adapts creative people to the demands of their work.

It's my job to explore the frontiers of human consciousness, to illuminate the darkest places in the human condition, to let my imagination guide me into remote locations most people dare not tread. So, yeah, I use my bi-polar to excuse my marathon writing sessions, those days and nights when I can produce

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